Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Why you got so much base in your voice?

So this is a quick funny story to share.

Everyone who knows me knows I am single. No surprise considering my last post huh? Anyway, I met this guy about a month ago while out at a club. He seemed nice and we danced great together so I gave him my number. I have no seen him since that night. He claims he was in a car accident but I still need proof. I think he is lying and maybe he is married. Only time will tell.

Anyway the other night we were on the phone and I was tired. I was already in bed. So we were mid conversation and he stopped and said "why do you have so much bass in your voice?" I'm thinking huh? It didn't even dawn on me the thought he had going through his head.

The next morning I woke up thinking about getting my nipples pierced. Whether I should go through with it or not so I sent him a text asking him what he thought. He said "that doesn’t sound too bad and maybe you can get downstairs done but we have to see about that first." Still... The thought didn't dawn on me.

It wasn't until later in the afternoon that I hit me like a ton of BRICKS. He thought I was a man.......

It all made sense. We met in a club downtown. He was shady about speaking to me, he asked why I had so much bass in my voice and then the comment about the down stairs but we will see. I called him and asked if he needed to see my stretch marks and c section scar. He said he believed me and we were good.

Damn... Maybe I am turning into Joe.


Like a good neighbor state farm is not there....

Today I want to talk about these shady ass people that I seem to encounter but can never seem to shake. In a conversation earlier in the week, I made a comment about having an invisible sign on my forehead that only needy and crazy ass dudes can see. This is starting to ring true. I am so serious. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the absolute worst luck when it comes to picking guys. There are slim pickings too. It's strange.

Now before you say stop looking or look in different places I am going to tell you I do not look. I can be minding my own business and BAM! A dude appears with his suitcase in one hand and bags of issues in the other. Kind of like that State Farm commercial, instead I don’t sing the jingle, shit just magically appears.

Let's think about this, if I encountered a great guy or a semi-normal guy don’t you think I would hold on to him? Try to play nice so I don’t scare him off? Wait until he is good and got before I showed him how nuts I really am?

You know how insurances have policies? Well I am going to create a policy. Make people sign and date. My policy will read:

While we are not all perfect, this policy is a policy of exclusions. It covers the things I will not do for you while we are casually dating. Please do not ask about some these exclusions for a period of never ever and others for a period of 4 years 65,000 text messages. If you last long enough to actually see this policy expire consider yourself lucky and adhere to the guidelines that will be laid out by the extended coverage plan.

Here is a list of things I will not do for you

While I am a nice good hearted person I am not a charity. If we are not seriously dating please do not call me because you have no food in your house. I don't care if you don't eat 6 out of 7 days. As long as you eat on that day that you are to see me and you have enough energy to deal with me.

I will not babysit your bad ass kids. . I don't like my kids 5 days out of the week. You want me to pretend to like yours? It’s not going to happen.

I will not Google anything for you if you sent me the request via text message. If you had enough sense to ask the question via text then you can use Google.

I will not pretend to be dumb just so you can feel smart. If you are stupid then you are wasting everyone's time. Go drink some Draino. I heard it really cleans out the system.

I will most certainly not bail you out of jail. Sit your ass in there and figure out why you fucked up. While I’m eating a steak, I hope they give you some mayo for your bologna sandwich.

I will not pay your cellphone, rent, car note, insurance, light, gas, credit card etc. Want a sugar momma? I'm not the one.

I will not entertain the drama of your baby (babies) momma. Tell that bitch to get a life.

I will not wash your car. Hell I won’t even wash mine. That's the YOUR job.

I will not let you meet my kids after only dating me for 5 days. What do you think this is? You are not Barney. We are not going around singing I love You.

I will not give you money under any circumstances. If you invite me out to dinner with only 20 dollars in your pocket that's your problem. You should have cooked me a meal instead.

I will not buy you clothes. I don't care that you liked that Gucci shirt in the store. I will pretend that shit don't exist as I eat my Cinnabun.

I will not help you find a job. If you lose your job while we are dating, I will not stop dating you but please do not ask me to re-write your resume, send out your resume or apply to jobs for you. If I wanted to do that I would work for monster.com.

I will not put up with stupid questions. ie: Why don't you want to pay my bills? Why are you so mean?

I will not pick you up in the middle of the night after you have been out drinking with your friends at the club. Take a cab. Get a bus pass. Hitch hike your ass home.

I am sure I can think of more but I am sure you get the picture.

Finally... I leave you with this...

I am not jaded. There would be nothing greater than for me to encounter true love. That skip everywhere you walk kind of love. That everything smells like roses and apple pie kind of love. Unfortunately thus far that love has not found its way into my life.

SO Until then.. I'm printing and laminating my policy of dating exclusions.