Interrupted Orgasms

Today I want to talk to my readers about something that I feel is a very important topic; Interrupted Orgasms. I do not think that some people out there understand the severity of interrupting an orgasm. I know for my fellas blue balls are undesirable. I understand that it could be frustrating but I do not think they understand how frustrating it is for us women. No, I am not talking about when you fellas get interrupted from catching a nut. When I say nut I mean orgasm not the kinds that grow on trees or come from broken homes.

I am talking about the moment when us ladies feel like it’s about to happen. When the muscles in our legs start to tense up. Our breathing gets heavier and we feel like the muscles in our muscles are so tight that we might be about to experience labor. Yes my Poppee's. Right before we have the Big "O". This is a warning that my male readers should take heed to. Never interrupt a woman when she is about to climax. What a lot of men do not understand is that it takes women longer to climax most often times.

Just a tip: Just because a woman is making a lot of noise it does not mean she is having an Orgasm.

There are a few situations where you are liable to get your head chewed off and swallowed. The first situation is if a woman is masturbating and you barge into the room carrying a small child, trying to lay them in the bed. I mean it’s not rocket science. No matter how low you watch porn that shit is loud and the sound will travel. If you hear the porn coming from my room why the hell would you come in there to bother me? Oh, I know. You want to get cursed out, put out and knocked out.

Another situation where you are liable to see your maker is if you are in the middle of intercourse and the woman specifically says "I am about to cum." and you decide to change position. Um, who told you to move? Why are you moving and messing up my flow? This is liable to get a guy put out of the house in the middle of the night in the middle of a blizzard. Please listen with your body and ears guys. I know it’s hard, no pun intended, but if you are involved in the act be mindful of your partner's needs.

The last situation I want to talk about is when the guy loses his stiffy. I do not care if it feels like my vagina is trying to squeeze prune juice out of your penis. You do what you need to do to keep it hard and inside when I am about to or in the middle of a climax for that matter. I think I speak for all women around the world when I say there is nothing worse than an Interrupted Orgasm.

So readers are there any other instances that I may have missed? Do you ladies agree with my points? Men have you learned anything from this post today?

Loving yourself

Today I briefly want to touch on loving yourself. No my usual readers I am not talking about getting it on with BoB or Palmela. I am talking about loving who you are from the inside out. From the top of your head to the tips of your toes. I know a lot of people think that they love themselves but secretly they don't. They hide behind masks, making the world think that things are awesome.

A lot of time as people we put ourselves in positions that make us question if we truly love ourselves. During a conversation with my sister she made a great point. She said that I have great advice and she doesnt judge me for my mistakes because she knows things are easier said than done. With that being said I have done some real questionable stuff in my lifetime but I never have stopped loving myself.

Sometimes you have to learn how to love yourself more to know the difference between doing things that are self destructive and just making decisions based on things that seemed like a great idea. This is something that takes time. I am learning more about who I am everyday and who I want to be.

When I was younger I wanted to get a tatoo on my back that said "Love yourself above anyone else". People thought this was controversial because they said what about God and your kids? Well let me tell you this. If I don't know how to love me, how can I love God or my kids? Food for thought.

The first part of loving yourself is smiling more, from the inside. I know this is hard but sometimes a smile will warm you up for great things to come. The next thing you need to do is look in the mirror. You have to learn to love what you see. You don't like your weight? Excercise. etc Please do not make excuses. Then you will fall into the pit of self pity and your self worthwill go out the window.

The next thing you need to do is Learn to forgive. No I am not saying to tell someone they are forgiven and still hold that hate in your heart. To truly forgive is to let go of the hurt. How can you love if you are holding on to anger? That doesnt work. Been there done that.

Another great thing to do is to surround yourself with positive people. I was told you dress for the job you want not the job you have. This applies to life too. If your friends are always miserable then that will rub off on you or people will assume because birds of a feather flock together. Make sure in that group you have a great listener. Some times its good to be able to talk to someone when you are going through things.

The last secret I will give you is to give yourself time to heal. A lot of times I see people go from relationship to relationship without allowing themselves to get over the last. Relationships do not have to be romanctic ones. Maybe a friendship went bad etc. I have been there. It was getting me no where. I have been trying to find me for a long time because I had become someone that I didn't recognize anymore. So give yourself time. Not a week.  oh and please I am not telling you to wallow in self pity..Not at all. my cousin said it best when he said FTP (Fuck them Putos).

Leave you on this note... You life is what you make it so why not make it the best possible experience ever?!?!?!?!

Go Joe!!!

Today I want to talk to you guys about going commando. I am not talking about  GI Joe The real American Hero. Or the movie starring Arnold schwarzenugggeger. The Commando I am talking about is when you go without drawls. The thing I have learned about going commando is that there is a time and a place for it. There are many things that a go wrong. Here are some reasons going commando can be a bad idea.

If you are a guy wearing tight jeans. Look your fashion faux pas are not my buisness but please for the love of pete, be careful when you zip. There is nothing cute about a scarred penile shaft. The people in the emergency room will laugh @ your dumb ass and probably everyone elese who hears the story.

 Ladies you are not in the clear. please do not go commando in a short skirt you have a wolf pussy. no one wants to catch a glimse of buck wheat peaking out your vaginal area. I know everyone likes different shit. I get it but when you sweat haor makes you stink. Smelly pussy is never good pussy.

Another time where it is a bad idea to go commando ladies is if it is close to that time of the month. Look, the drawls are like a first defense to soiling your clothes. If your panties are wet it kind of gives you an indication to go check. if yur pants are warm and wet, well, bitch its too late.

I know my readers know some more instances... so when do o think its a bad idea to go COMMANDO?

*disclaimer* this post was written using my blackberry @ hooters. Don't judge my spelling or grammar!

That Ass from the Past

Today I want to talk about "That Ass from the Past", not to be confused from the blast from the past. Basically the ass from the past is that ex that won’t stop stalking you for sex. Now If you have actually had a sex life and are fairly decent in the bedroom there are things that your exes will remember about you. Unfortunately sometimes these people come back from the past trying to acquire that ass.

This is when absolute will power is required. I always try to remind myself these people are part of the past because things didn’t work out. There are only a few exemptions to the rule where it is ok to let that ass from the past back into your bedroom. These exceptions are as follows:

“That Ass from the Past” became such because of the distance between you guys. Maybe they moved away or maybe you moved away. Getting reacquainted is not bad if the situation allows. Plus who doesn't like a nice trip from time to time.

“That Ass from the Past” was as a result of your schedules. Sometimes as adults our schedules do not permit us to give the time we should to the people in our lives therefore causing us to grow apart.

These are a list of situations where you should not give in to the ass from the past:

If you guys were a couple and things didn’t work out because of the partner’s personality. 8 times out of 10 they are still the same person you once knew. Just because they got a new haircut, tan or even a new body does not mean that they will have become a better person on the inside. Change is a slow process.

They are now married. Please do not adulterate. I don't care how much they are swearing they are separated and are getting divorced. IF they live in the same house with their spouse most likely the person is lying to you.

Do not give in to "That Ass from the Past" as pity sex. If you dumped that person 8 years ago and things were on bad terms because of you. Do not give up the nookie because you feel bad for what you did to them. That would be the perfect time for them to get back at you for possibly shattering their lives.

Basically what it all boils down to is using your common sense in these situations. If your gut feeling is telling you not to do it, then listen. A lot of times as people we do not listen to our own conscience and we end up making the same stupid mistakes. A good friend of mine used to tell me "A hard head makes for a soft ass" I learned this the hard way.

So what are some other reasons why "That Ass from the Past" either should or shouldn't be given another chance at rocking your world?

The pre flight gone wrong

Many people who go out to party usually partake in a pre-gaming ritual known as the preflight. The preflight is when people begin drinking while they are home so that when they reach their destination they do not have to drink as much or spend as much cash. Today I would like to speak to you about the preflight gone wrong.

There are many things that can go wrong with the preflight. The main thing I would like to discuss is getting too drunk and not being able to make it to your destination. The type of drunk I am speaking of is not your run of the mill drunk. I am talking about the praying to the toilet gods kind of drunk. This is the type of drunk that happens at the end of the night where people end up taking wonderful pictures of their friends passed out in shitty bathrooms on the floor. Except this doesn’t occur at the end of the night, it occurs at like 7 pm.

This weekend an old friend of mine was celebrating her 30th birthday. Everything was all set up. There were 2 places everyone was to hit up. One was a spot in the east village where you can get 5 shots for 10 dollars and a place in the west village where we were to attend a private karaoke party. Well needless to say my friend’s girlfriend and other wonderful friends decided to start her off early. By 7pm when I called to obtain the addresses it just so happened that she was praying to the toilet gods. About 7:30 I get a phone call from one of the family members, which i still need to apologize to stating "She doesn’t look like she is going to make it out but we will call you if anything changes."

I was a little upset because I had not made alternate plans and I had already crossed in to New York and paid 12 dollars for toll. I thought to myself what if I go home and I get a phone call saying "Hey we are going now". I told them to count me out for the night and decided to find other plans. I ended up having Starbucks with my older sister and playing counselor. Meanwhile in Spanish Harlem, my friend’s girlfriend and friends decided that Karaoke was going to be a must considering the space had already been reserved.

Well, they went to Karaoke without the birthday girl and I ended up joining them. Can you imagine, spending your 30th birthday lying next to the toilet bowl while everyone went out and enjoyed your party? Well I am going to say this was a lesson learned for my friend. With about an hour left of the private room who comes in the door? The Birthday Girl! We were all happy and releived she was able to make her party.

This goes to show you boys and girls while a pre-flight can get the party started, it can also make you miss your party if youare not careful.

Have any of you ever gone too far with the pre- flight?

Is it racism or just random ignorance?

So today I read an article about a well-known Pizza company Papa John's was apologizing to a customer for a "racial slur" on a customer’s receipt. When I began reading the article I thought to myself damn.. What could they have put on a receipt that would warrant a company to apologize? I thought the absolute worst. I thought the receipt said the "N" word or something derogatory.

Upon looking at the photo of the receipt where it said customers name the receipt read "The Lady with the Chinky eyes". This caused me to snicker then I read the article further and found that the employee had been fired. I am not sure if this punishment was too harsh. Maybe because I am having trouble trying to figure out if this was truly a racial slur.

Reader's am I looking at this the wrong way? I mean I can see that this was ignorant on the employee’s behalf. He/she could have asked the customer their name. To be fired for using descriptive terminology? Is not like it said "the Chink" Or "The cracker". I have a lot of family members who have chinky eyes. I think that the employee should have been counseled and maybe mandated to attend HR ethics training at most, unless this person was a repeat offender then it might be understandable.

To think about it if I worked at a pizza place getting paid minimum wage I would probably try to have fun with it too. Give me the power to type in a customer’s name and you would probably end up with customers named "bald headed guy", "Lady with a wagon full of kids", "Girl with a bad attitude", "black girl with blue hair". I'm just saying..

What do you guys think... Is this a racial issue? Or is it an issue of not knowing any better? Was the punishment too harsh?

                                                                  

What's that smell? YUCK

I consider myself to have somewhat of a stomach of steel but there are just some things that I can smell and it automatically sets off my gag reflex. I don't know if it’s something that is in my head or if it’s just the smell consuming my insides and saying YUCK! I know that there are some of you out there that know just what I am speaking about.

I have smelled things that were absolutely horrible in my day but there is something about stinky food that makes me want to toss my cookies on site. My ex came over the other day and heated up some food. I immediately got an attitude and asked him to leave. That food smelled like old rotting corpses mixed with mystery meat. It was just plain old rancid. We had to spray some smell goods and open windows to get rid of the funk.

Today my sons insisted on eating Vienna sausages. Not only were they eating them but they heated them up in the microwave. My son had the audacity to come in the living room with them. I began to gag and almost lost my dinner. I had to spray perfume not to smell the stench of these wretched little sausages. My boys were almost evicted from my house this evening. I really felt bad that I exhaled them to the kitchen but I could not take the smell.

The other thing that makes my stomach turn is the smell of bologna. I actually ate bologna once in basic training. I immediately got sick. Since that day I gag upon the smell reaching my nose. I don't know why. It is just something that happens. Bad smelling food is almost as bad as someone smelling like old rotting hot dog water.

What are some of the foods that make your body go YUCK?!?!?

Roid Rage!!!

Today I want to talk about Roid Rage and for all you juice heads out there, I am not talking about you. I am talking about the other kinds of roids. The ones that make your ass burn when your stomach churns. Yes ladies and Gents!! I am talking about Hemorrhoids. I know this could be an uncomfortable topic for some especially them old mofo's who like spicy food. Or even for those who suffer from the endless ass wipe on a constant basis. You know that's got to hurt.

Can eat spicy food? Are those nachos coming back to haunt you 2 hours later? Do tucks not help? I recommend Culo Seltzer. Yes folks, culo seltzer. It can come in a spray bottle and it will contain a numbing agent. Kind of like numb it anal lube. Yes I know some of you perverts know what numb it is. This would be like a combination of eucalyptus and aloe. So it soothes and smooth’s while taking away the pain.

I think it would be a good idea. I have never experienced roid rage but I know if I did I would my ass feeling and smelling minty fresh. It would be like alka seltzer for your ass. They could even make a commercial about it. "Oh Culo Seltzer!! It would hurt and it would burn but now it’s my turn. Got take back my butt cause that tissue cut. Oh Culo Seltzer. And now in family size!"

Can you imagine being sent to the store as a kid by your mom? Mira, Go get me a bottle of that culo seltzer. That would be almost as embarrassing as a man buying pads for his woman. The lady in the supermarket would be all loud about it over the loudspeaker. "Price check on Culo Seltzer. Marvin, it’s in Aisle 3 next to the herpes be gone." That would be the epitome of any ones existence.

Next time I ask for topics please participate because I will talk about having the runs next...