Roid Rage!!!

Today I want to talk about Roid Rage and for all you juice heads out there, I am not talking about you. I am talking about the other kinds of roids. The ones that make your ass burn when your stomach churns. Yes ladies and Gents!! I am talking about Hemorrhoids. I know this could be an uncomfortable topic for some especially them old mofo's who like spicy food. Or even for those who suffer from the endless ass wipe on a constant basis. You know that's got to hurt.

Can eat spicy food? Are those nachos coming back to haunt you 2 hours later? Do tucks not help? I recommend Culo Seltzer. Yes folks, culo seltzer. It can come in a spray bottle and it will contain a numbing agent. Kind of like numb it anal lube. Yes I know some of you perverts know what numb it is. This would be like a combination of eucalyptus and aloe. So it soothes and smooth’s while taking away the pain.

I think it would be a good idea. I have never experienced roid rage but I know if I did I would my ass feeling and smelling minty fresh. It would be like alka seltzer for your ass. They could even make a commercial about it. "Oh Culo Seltzer!! It would hurt and it would burn but now it’s my turn. Got take back my butt cause that tissue cut. Oh Culo Seltzer. And now in family size!"

Can you imagine being sent to the store as a kid by your mom? Mira, Go get me a bottle of that culo seltzer. That would be almost as embarrassing as a man buying pads for his woman. The lady in the supermarket would be all loud about it over the loudspeaker. "Price check on Culo Seltzer. Marvin, it’s in Aisle 3 next to the herpes be gone." That would be the epitome of any ones existence.

Next time I ask for topics please participate because I will talk about having the runs next...

I guest you doo

I always seem to find myself in the most peculiar of situations. I don't think there is ever a right time to excuse yourself when you have company to go do the doo. What is the doo you ask? You know take a shit, make a poop, drop the kids off at the pool. Some men feel that women shouldn't speak about bowel movements or that women in general shouldn't do them when they are around.

While on the first date with my ex-husband we went to Chili's. Well that was a really wild weekend as my girls and I were in Vegas. I had been drinking all weekend and I guess my body was like oh hell no. So we eat dinner and after I'm like oh let's go back to my hotel so I can change. He came up to the room with me. I guess he was trying to be a gentleman. Needless to say not even 5 minutes later I asked him to go and wait in the hotel lobby because my stomach was speaking in tongues. Yes, I told him I had to poop and I needed privacy. I mean I didn’t think that I would ever see him again after we left Vegas so what did I care. Eventually we became a couple then married and divorced. So I guess me having to excuse myself was a problem to him.

I have company today and I had to poop. I just went as he went outside to smoke a cigarette. My stomach was hurting from holding it. Why does being a woman mean you have to keep the mystery about your excretory functions? I mean holding a fluff (fart) and cause permanent damage to your bowels. Imagine blowing a hole in your intestines just so you won’t fart in front of company. That would be the worst date EVER. Don’t you agree? Be wearing a colostomy bag for the rest of your life just because you didn't want to fart in front of your man.

Have you ever found yourself in this situation? How did you handle it? Do you care who is around when you have to go?