That's what she said!

Thanks to our friend's from the sitcom "The Office" the phrase "that's what he said" was born. These 4 little words can turn the most innocent conversation into something that can be heard in the gutter. Let me take you on this brief trip to guttersville.

The other day I went to lunch with some guys I know. We had some burritos and one guy put extra hot sauce on his. Well we were returning from the restuarant and he made a comment about his lip piecing. It was as follows "damn I had too much spice. my hole burns." and you guessed swooped in with "That's what she said."

I tell you my timing was impecible. It was the funniest thing ever! There are other situations where it can be used.

"Damn, I got wet" reply- that's what she said
"This is a tight spot" reply - that's what she said
"I told you it doesn't fit" reply- that's what she said
"Can you stop" reply - that's what she said

And so on and so on.

Do you have any "That's what she said" moments?

Go Joe!!!

Today I want to talk to you guys about going commando. I am not talking about  GI Joe The real American Hero. Or the movie starring Arnold schwarzenugggeger. The Commando I am talking about is when you go without drawls. The thing I have learned about going commando is that there is a time and a place for it. There are many things that a go wrong. Here are some reasons going commando can be a bad idea.

If you are a guy wearing tight jeans. Look your fashion faux pas are not my buisness but please for the love of pete, be careful when you zip. There is nothing cute about a scarred penile shaft. The people in the emergency room will laugh @ your dumb ass and probably everyone elese who hears the story.

 Ladies you are not in the clear. please do not go commando in a short skirt you have a wolf pussy. no one wants to catch a glimse of buck wheat peaking out your vaginal area. I know everyone likes different shit. I get it but when you sweat haor makes you stink. Smelly pussy is never good pussy.

Another time where it is a bad idea to go commando ladies is if it is close to that time of the month. Look, the drawls are like a first defense to soiling your clothes. If your panties are wet it kind of gives you an indication to go check. if yur pants are warm and wet, well, bitch its too late.

I know my readers know some more instances... so when do o think its a bad idea to go COMMANDO?

*disclaimer* this post was written using my blackberry @ hooters. Don't judge my spelling or grammar!

Roid Rage!!!

Today I want to talk about Roid Rage and for all you juice heads out there, I am not talking about you. I am talking about the other kinds of roids. The ones that make your ass burn when your stomach churns. Yes ladies and Gents!! I am talking about Hemorrhoids. I know this could be an uncomfortable topic for some especially them old mofo's who like spicy food. Or even for those who suffer from the endless ass wipe on a constant basis. You know that's got to hurt.

Can eat spicy food? Are those nachos coming back to haunt you 2 hours later? Do tucks not help? I recommend Culo Seltzer. Yes folks, culo seltzer. It can come in a spray bottle and it will contain a numbing agent. Kind of like numb it anal lube. Yes I know some of you perverts know what numb it is. This would be like a combination of eucalyptus and aloe. So it soothes and smooth’s while taking away the pain.

I think it would be a good idea. I have never experienced roid rage but I know if I did I would my ass feeling and smelling minty fresh. It would be like alka seltzer for your ass. They could even make a commercial about it. "Oh Culo Seltzer!! It would hurt and it would burn but now it’s my turn. Got take back my butt cause that tissue cut. Oh Culo Seltzer. And now in family size!"

Can you imagine being sent to the store as a kid by your mom? Mira, Go get me a bottle of that culo seltzer. That would be almost as embarrassing as a man buying pads for his woman. The lady in the supermarket would be all loud about it over the loudspeaker. "Price check on Culo Seltzer. Marvin, it’s in Aisle 3 next to the herpes be gone." That would be the epitome of any ones existence.

Next time I ask for topics please participate because I will talk about having the runs next...

The Cup of....

So yesterday I was hanging out with an old friend from high school. I really wanted to go out but she bought a bottle of Moscato over to my mom’s house and we began to drink and talk shit. Well once the bottle of Moscato was gone we decided to go to the liquor store to upgrade to some Hennessey.

The liquor stores in the Bronx only take cash which I never carry (in case anyone ever plans to try to rob me, you'll be mad) so I decided to go to the McDonald’s next to the liquor store to get some cash. While we were there I decided when in Rome do as the romans.

So I ordered my chicken nugget meal, but was then told they were out of barbeque sauce. Now what kind of ghetto low budget shit is that? But I didn’t complain I was ready to order something else but then decided to get what I was ordering. I know the little girl behind the register was mad but she was laughing the whole time because I was cracking jokes about randomness.

So I get my receipt and am waiting for my order when I discovered I was charge 50 cents for a cup of.

Now I don't mind getting charged for things that I order and if things will cost extra but can someone tell me what a cup OF is? Anyone? She couldn’t even tell me, We laughed so damn hard that I told her to keep the 50 cents for the cup OF cause the McDonald’s must have been in deep financial need since they didn’t have barbeque sauce or ketchup.

That Cup Of made it a memorable night.

Why you got so much base in your voice?

So this is a quick funny story to share.

Everyone who knows me knows I am single. No surprise considering my last post huh? Anyway, I met this guy about a month ago while out at a club. He seemed nice and we danced great together so I gave him my number. I have no seen him since that night. He claims he was in a car accident but I still need proof. I think he is lying and maybe he is married. Only time will tell.

Anyway the other night we were on the phone and I was tired. I was already in bed. So we were mid conversation and he stopped and said "why do you have so much bass in your voice?" I'm thinking huh? It didn't even dawn on me the thought he had going through his head.

The next morning I woke up thinking about getting my nipples pierced. Whether I should go through with it or not so I sent him a text asking him what he thought. He said "that doesn’t sound too bad and maybe you can get downstairs done but we have to see about that first." Still... The thought didn't dawn on me.

It wasn't until later in the afternoon that I hit me like a ton of BRICKS. He thought I was a man.......

It all made sense. We met in a club downtown. He was shady about speaking to me, he asked why I had so much bass in my voice and then the comment about the down stairs but we will see. I called him and asked if he needed to see my stretch marks and c section scar. He said he believed me and we were good.

Damn... Maybe I am turning into Joe.

Making love faces

Ok really quick... I just had a funny thought Trey Songz made a song about making love faces. He tried to make it sound so great but no matter how great it sounds. The funniest thing in the world is to look over at your partner during sex and they have the spazz face.

The spazz face is the face that you get when something feels so good that you can't control your movement. This usually occurs when your toes curl. The body begins to have involuntary movements. Legs begin twitching, lips quivering and the funny noises come out. I once knew this guy who sounded like an invalid during sex. True story. It was hilarious.

The funny thing about laughing at people during or after the sex is that they usually get mad and don't want to speak to you ever again. OOPS!! But that was FUNNY!!! Ohhodssdkl nskdjnfksnf fnsnfsknf were the words coming out of his mouth. Face went into convulsions. It took everything in me not to fall over laughing.

Lesson to be learned kids: have sex with the lights off. I know lights on is sexy and you can see the sexy body f your partner but you can also see the spazz face.