Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Back on the Market. Do's and dont's

From time to time I ask my blog readers for blog ideas. Today was one of those days. I realized that I hadn't blogged for some time and I thought it was time. I received a message today from a very old friend of mine. The contents of the message were rather surprising to me. It was for a blog idea and it was really personal. I know that the only reason why this was sent to me was because my opinion as a friend is valued and more than likely the person wanted to see my spin on things.

The message read that my friend would soon be divorced to their high school sweet heart. This was the only lover that my friend has known. 17 years, 3 kids, a house, cars and many responsibilities later my friend will be on the dating scene again soon. I am pretty sure that my friend has a valid reason for the divorce and I didn't want to pry too much. I know that if it were me and I was in a 17 year relationship that fell apart for whatever reason the last thing I would want would be a pity party filled with questions that would open the wounds of what I was going through.

So now that we have the background, I want to talk to you about dating after a long term relationship. What are some of the Do's and Don'ts to getting back on the dating scene. I am not an expert at this and anything that I blog at this point is based solely on opinion.

DO: find yourself. After a long term relationship that went sour you may not know who you are anymore. Maybe you decide that the things you liked during your relationship were only because your spouse or significant other liked them. Sample life and give new things a try.

DON'T: Sample life by sampling every single person of the opposite sex. That may find you in the free clinic trying to find a cure.

DO: Learn to love yourself. Maybe the relationship left you broken. Maybe it left you doubtful about your looks or your personality. As people, especially if we are hurt, there are times that we tend to blame ourselves. Learn to love you from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.

DON'T: Become a pompous selfish jerk who is obnoxious and only thinks about themselves. Just because you love yourself it doesn't mean that the world doesn't exist.

DO: Learn to let go and forgive. I was told once that the best way to heal is forgiveness. You have to forgive the other person for all the hurt and pain that they caused you. This may take a little time. It doesn't happen over night. When you decide to forgive the person you have to speak the words to them. "I wanted to let you know that I forgive you for all of the pain that you may have caused me and I want to apologize for anything wrong I may have done on my part to hurt you as well." Once this is done it will feel like an 1200 lb gorilla has been lifted from off your shoulders.

DON'T: Tell the person you forgive them and then curse them out and cause other dramas. This is uber counter productive. And it means that you really don't forgive that person.

DO: Something nice for yourself for once. I know that when you have been a relationship for some time you tend to forget about a very important person. YOURSELF. Book a spa day, buy yourself something nice, take a get away trip. Make it some thing special.

DON'T: Max out all of your credit cards and bury yourself in debt because the popcorn popper said to do something nice for yourself. I will not pay your bills and I will not let anyone move into my house cause you lost it all being irresponsible.

DO: Learn to trust again. If you don't trust anyone going out into the dating world will be useless. Because at every date you would wonder how many husbands, wives, baby mothers or fathers the person really has regardless of what they tell you.

DON'T: Blindly believe everything you are told. If the person says something that seems extremely far fetched, hell it probably is. For example: Your date says "I am a millionaire, I have money in off shore accounts." But you had to pick them up cause they have no car and you had to pay for half the meal because they "forgot their card". IF IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT AND IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT guess what? IT'S SHIT.

DO: Allow yourself to be set up on a blind date. Just for the fun of it. Take a chance. Maybe the person is a good match. If it turns out that they are not, you can at least try to have fun.

DON'T: Start off with heavy conversations on the first date by talking about your failed past and all 18 of your kids. Keep the conversation light and friendly. Try to allow them to get to know you without giving out all of the details all at once. You need to try to keep their interest.

Ok, at this point I have given out a lot of information. I want some of my readers to comment and give some additional DO's and DONT's. Seeing the perspective of my readers is always great. and GO