Making love faces

Ok really quick... I just had a funny thought Trey Songz made a song about making love faces. He tried to make it sound so great but no matter how great it sounds. The funniest thing in the world is to look over at your partner during sex and they have the spazz face.

The spazz face is the face that you get when something feels so good that you can't control your movement. This usually occurs when your toes curl. The body begins to have involuntary movements. Legs begin twitching, lips quivering and the funny noises come out. I once knew this guy who sounded like an invalid during sex. True story. It was hilarious.

The funny thing about laughing at people during or after the sex is that they usually get mad and don't want to speak to you ever again. OOPS!! But that was FUNNY!!! Ohhodssdkl nskdjnfksnf fnsnfsknf were the words coming out of his mouth. Face went into convulsions. It took everything in me not to fall over laughing.

Lesson to be learned kids: have sex with the lights off. I know lights on is sexy and you can see the sexy body f your partner but you can also see the spazz face.

Et Tu Brute?

The title for my blog today comes from the play Julius Caesar. Just some background for those who didn't read the play, Brutus was supposed to be Julius Caesar's right hand man but in the end he was the one to stab him in the back. Et Tu Brute is French for “And you Brutus?” Today I want to talk about the difference between friends.

Lately a lot of people on FaceBook have been posting things about "Real" friends. It made me laugh because it was long ago that I too was betrayed by a few "Real" friends. I was taught by my mother that a friend is a dollar in your pocket if the pocket isn’t broken. Meaning, your real friends will show themselves in time.

Since my life's lesson in betrayal I have adapted a new attitude about my friends. First of all, my friends are broken up into 2 groups. Associates, people I know and sometimes call friends. I have a shit load of people I know and while my life is an open book for the most part. They feel they 100% know me but they really don't. I still hang out with them and party with them etc. I don't treat my associates badly.

 The other group I call them family or BESTIES. These are the people who I know can put up with my shit and vice versa. I am, contrary to popular belief, anti-social. My family “BESTIES” are the people who I trust. These are the people I know I can get shitty drunk around and they will get me home and hold my hair. These are the people I know that even if I haven't called them in 5 years when we talk it’s like time never passed. These are the people that I know won't steal my boyfriend.

Most importantly these are the people that will talk shit to my face not behind my back. Example: "Where the fuck do you think you are going with that on? You look like the muffin man's wife." Now if someone I didn't know said this to me I would flip out but if one of my Besties said this to me I would rethink my outfit and ask for advice. A lot of people in the world think they have friends but judging how they leave the house with their friends. I can tell you boo boo those are not your friends. Try again.

I appreciate all of my friends. Whether it's a friend I see once every 10 years or it's the person who I see every day. Not everyone can deal with my harsh personality. It takes a special person to be friends with the Popcorn Popper but once you are in, well we are friends for life.

*Ghetto voice* I want to give a shout out to all my BESTIES all over the world. Always remember. "Dudes come and go but your Bitches are FOREVER"

the Popper has been Pooped

now contrary to the title, this post is not about poop. I haven't been posting much lately because I have had a lot going on with work, school, the kids and my constant failed attempts at a personal life.

Let me fill you guys in on recent events. Mind you, I am not complaining. I am in the middle of job transitions. I am in the middle of a semester that is online and Saturdays. I got stood up the other day for brunch. Initially I was upset but then I said Fuck it. I'm a beautiful woman who deserves a quiet brunch at Ihop.

My brunch at Ihop was disturbed by unneccessary phone drama, which I hope I defused. I am getting too old for too much confusion. Especially confusion that has nothing to do with me. I digress. Every and anyone who knows me personally know me and Ihop do not agree very well. That came and passed.

Friday I went out to party with friends that I feel I neglect way too much. Honestly its because my schedule sucks being a single parent. I love the kids though  :) mine anyway. I went out to the city and had an awesome time. I got home @ 330 to be up for school @ 630.

That was the absolute longest English class EVER. I remember the days I could party all night and go to work like nothing. I must have gotten old. The rest of Saturday I hated life and everyone in it. I was the biggest bitch and it was not intentional. At one point I remember telling someone I couldn't wait for them to die so I can dance on their casket. Yes reader's that was UBER messed up. For those who don't know when I don't sleep or am hungry I turn into something terrible. I am going to get a handle on that.

Anyway the next day cause I slept all Saturday night. I did homework, and watched the Jets lose. Boo bitch Boo. We'll get them next time. Yesterday was stressful and it brings us to today. I am posting to tell my fans I love them and forgotten. Just been horrendously busy. Tonight I will post something awesome!!!! I PROMISE.

Have a good day Poppee's

Say what you mean and mean what you say

Today I'm venting because I’m tired of the dating scene and the games that people play. In this day and age dating is so damned hard. What makes it even harder is that people always have ulterior motives. Why can't we be up front with each other about what we want? Why does it have to be a dating game?

If you meet someone and think they are good looking and are only interested in getting their box or pole just say so. Why pretend to be interested in that person? Why waste your time and theirs? I mean if initially you are interested in getting to know who they are and then decide you don't like them then say so. It would hurt their feelings less if you are upfront. Don't wait for them to catch feelings 6 months down the line to say "So um, I don’t really like you"

I respect a man more when he says "I'm not interested in your job, personality or what you did yesterday. I am just interested in sex." Would he probably get smacked if he is rude about it? Maybe but he will get honesty points. Honesty is big in my book. If you are honest then there is no room for lies...

With that being said please do not tell people things that are not true. "I love you; you mean the world to me." "I want you to be my girl". Things like this only get people into situations they are not ready for. If you love the person then fine, say it. But don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Nothing is accomplished by doing this. Someone’s feelings end up getting hurt and someone else ends up looking like a big dirt bag.

And stop asking people out on dates or accepting dates you really don't want to go on. That way people won't be let down or stood up. This is getting ridiculous. I'm done ranting.

Have a good night... I’m upset right now... in the words of my cousin... FTP.. FUCK Them PUTOS... lol

This is why masturbating is good

The other day on the Radio I heard about some kid who died from masturbating 42 times. What I wanted to blog about yesterday was "Maybe mom was right, I can die from touching myself." Since I couldn't find a reliable source to back this information up I decided not to blog about it. With that being said I figured I would share the good in masturbation.

I ran a search online for reasons why masturbating is good. I got this link http://besthealthmag.ca/embrace-life/wellness/6-healthy-reasons-to-masturbate. All of these are really good reasons but I figured I could write some so that my readers could relate to them more.

So...

Reason number 1: It will prevent you from knocking out random strangers who perform daily acts of stupidity. Think about it people tend to get easily upset when they are backed up. If you masturbate often you have enough endorphins running through your body to make you feel happy more so than not.

Reason number 2(for men): If you get the pre nut out (pre nut: the first ejaculation after not having sex in a while. What usually catches you off guard making you look like a minute man when you are really a 3 minute man) then when it’s time for the vagina you will be ready to give it your all.

Reason number 3(ladies): He might know your vagina from your anus so why would you expect him to know how to get you off? Next time he gets off and goes to sleep, get to rubbing. No use in being frustrated because he is insufficient.

Reason number 4: If you know what you like you can show your partner. Guys ever have a girl rubbing on your penis like it’s a lamp and they are expecting a genie to pop out and you wonder: “What the heck is she doing?” Well if you don’t tell her how you like your snake pulled she won’t know. That goes for women too. Ever have a guy call himself touching you during foreplay and you are thinking what is that? He is looking at you like does that feel good and you reply "I don’t know I guess" Honey that is no help to him. Tell him. Rub it like this. But you will only know if you find out for yourself.

Reason number 5: Make sure your plumbing works. You don’t want to be cumming dust bunnies. Be all dried up like a raisin in the sun and don’t even know it. The article says use it or lose it. It’s in regards to sex drive but I’m talking in regards to your fluids. No one wants to be navigating through cob webs and the dry abyss. Keep it functional.

And finally (cause I’m not typing all night)

Reason number 6: It helps you get that GOOD sleep. Ladies ever look over after sex and your partner is snoring away? Well that’s because he ejaculated. If you achieve a good orgasm you might be able to sleep too. There are a lot of people I know who say they have trouble sleeping. I recommend masturbating to them. Some people act like they don’t do it but they are the ones that really need to.

OK ONE MORE.... I promise

Reason number 7: If you pleasure yourself you don’t run the risk of getting STD's from having sex with other people!!!! BOOM

So in conclusion..... Masturbating can be healthy for you sexually, physically and mentally so.....

Get to work!!!

Dum Dum Dum.... Captain save a hoe to the rescue!!!!

First of all I have been busy as heck with this school thing...*grumbles* my history book sucks but that is not what this blog is about today. Today, like right now!! I want to give a shout out to all the Captain save-a-hoe's in the world. Now don't think I am doing this out of sheer hatred. Nope. I can't. I too was a Captain save-a-hoe many of times. This is why I have to give props to all my fellow super heroes and tell them.... STOP THAT SHIT!!

Like I said, I too have fallen victim. I have been lured in by nice smiles and tragic life stories of being raised in a single parent home. I too have been bamboozled by the "I live at home with my mother but I am going to be moving out soon". Oh yea they move out all right, right into your SHIT. Eating up all your food and taking your kindness for weakness. Those days are done for me and this is why I am trying to help you.

You do not need to deal with that person’s drama. They were abused as a child? Damn that sucks. Go see a therapist. They get paid a lot of money to listen to people bitch and moan about their "terrible lives" and how uncle chuck who wasn’t really your uncle tried to look at them in the bath that one time. Don’t let these hoes fool you. Half of these stories probably aren't even true!!! It's all a game.

I am sorry if hoe's phones get cut off this month, if their rents don’t get paid. It’s not my fault. Male and female hoes alike need to run out and get a JOB! Pay your own bills. Go exploit your fellow hoes. Leave us captains be. Sometimes we need to be saved too from you no job having, every excuse in the world giving, big dick nice smile owning bastards.

So today mon amis of the Save-a-hoe world, stand with me in unison and say FUCK YOU PAY ME!!! This is our time to shine. Let them hoes perish in the fiery abyss.

Have you been a Captain? When and how did you realize that you were saving a hoe? Would you do it again or will you join me in my battle against the hoes?

The Medal of Honor

This morning I turned on the news and I was so proud to say that I was a Marine Sergeant. Although I am always proud of my accomplishments this morning was special. The Medal of Honor was awarded to a young Marine Corps Sergeant who is only 23 years old. He is the FIRST Marine to receive a Medal of Honor while still alive.

I type this with tears in my eyes. The heroism that this Marine portrayed is what it’s all about. As Marine's we are taught you never leave anyone behind and you take care of each other. This Marine risked his life for his fellow Marines. I know this act of valor is common amongst the Corps and many acts of heroism go unnoticed on a daily basis. This is just a really proud day for God, Country and Corps.

I remember sitting in Marine Corps history during boot camp learning about my fellow brothers who risked it all for their brothers. During the Crucible (the final test before you earned the honor of Marine) there were stations where we would stop at tired, worn out and practically starved, at these stations the Drill Instructors would tell us stories about Marine's who earned the Medal of Honor. No matter how exhausted I was, I felt a rush of pride run through my body. The same rush that I feel today.

I hope you guys to take the time out to read the article on this Marine.
Here is the link: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/16/us/dakota-meyer-marine-is-awarded-medal-of-honor.html?_r=1&ref=politics

So I may be a hypochondriac

Anyone who knows me knows that a lot of my conversations start with "OMG I am _____, I think I'm going to die. It may be a bit extreme on my part. Since I hardly get sick when something is going on with me I feel like the world may be ending.

The other day my ear was hurting. I made an appointment right away. I had the doctor set up a special appointment for me because I just knew I had an ear infection. I leave work early and get to the doctor. She checks my ears and I didn't even have stitch of infection, redness or wax. I quietly walked out from the office and said thank you.

Upon return to work a friend of mine asked me if I had an ear infection. I said "No, the doctor said everything was fine." She laughed at me and said "I think you might be a hypochondriac." I guess there were numerous occasions when I came up to her desk telling her I was going to die because of something that wasn't a major concern. She even listed the occasions. Egg on my face for caring too much about my health.

I don't know when this began or why but now if something is wrong I am on WebMD, medicine.net and any other site that offers information on medical ailments and symptoms. Most often times it provides good information on things. Other times it causes me to run to the doctor to make sure I am not dying of something. Since I am not dead yet I can safely say I don't have any life threatening diseases. I just need to take it easy and realize that the world of bacteria and viruses is not out to get me.

I know a lot of people out there that don't even go to the doctor. How do these people live with themselves?
Which are you the doctor goer or the person who just dies on the train? And am I overreacting?

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?

It's officially Football season. This is the time that makes or breaks relationships. This is something a lot of women don't understand. This could also be why they most women never make it past the winter with their men, thus becoming only a winter bun.

Ladies, you don't have to like football. You don't have to understand the game but you need to know your man, if he is a football fanatic, well he will watch football all day Sunday, Monday night and Thursdays as well. If he follows college football then his Saturday's are booked too. Support your man in his addiction. It will pay off to your benefit in the long run. Here are some pointers.

Make him a Sunday football spread of his favorite finger foods. You need to know that he will NOT be eating at the dinner table. So don't try to get cleaver and make a romantic dinner. You will be disappointed. With that food you are making him make sure you have his favorite drink. Most men enjoy a nice brew with their football and please make sure it’s cold, unless he is German then he might enjoy warm beer.

The basic thing to know about football is that there are 4 quarters. Halftime is your time to talk to him. This is the time you can ask him to take out the trash or give him some nice head. He will really appreciate it if you didn't interrupt him in the middle of the game. I think the only real exception is if the house is on fire. Ladies, please don't set the house on fire to get some attention.

The last pointer I will give you is this. If you have a comfy couch then join him in watching his favorite team. Show interest in his interests. Cuddle up next to him on the couch and enjoy those snacks and beer that you worked so hard to fix for him. Warning: The time to ask questions about football is not when he is yelling cause his team is losing. Ask as little questions as possible eventually you will understand the game. He might even volunteer information if he knows you don't know the game.

I am not saying all of this will guarantee that your relationship will last forever.... I am just saying this will help avoid a lot of unnecessary arguments. Also this goes both ways, I know there are a lot of men out there that are not into football. If you woman is into football show her that support. It's a two way street.

Am I right and am I right?
Has football ruined your relationship?

When da henny's in da system....

When the Henny's in the system ain’t no telling if I fuck or if I diss them.. This is semi quotable. A line from Jay-z's I'm a Hustler change slightly to depict my favorite drink. Tonight I want to talk to you about drunken sex. No I didn’t stutter or stammer. I said drunken sex. Drunken sex while in some cases can be great it can go terrible bad. I just want to examine the possible situations that can occur when drunken sex goes bad.

I heard one of the best antidotes ever while serving in one of the most elite fighting forces in the US. One of the guys that I served with told us a story about drunken sex gone terribly wrong. He had been dating a girl for quite a while and sex was no mystery to them. One night they were engaging in drunken sex in the shower and she hit her head against the tile. He said she passed out and was bleeding a little but due to his inebriation her left her there. In the morning she woke up with a bad headache, a gash and in the shower.

The next best antidote I heard was told to me by another colleague in a different line of work. The story was of when he was in college. He had bought a girl home during a wild party night and had awesome sex. The only problem was when he woke up in the A.M. There was blood all over the bathroom and there was a hole in the wall. He had no idea what had happened. His roommate had reminded him of the event. He had wild sex with the girl in the bathroom and somehow her foot went through the bathroom wall. They were so drunk they didn’t realize what happened but it made for an awesome story. The girl didn’t die or anything she is alive and well somewhere.

The whole conclusion while drunken sex can last all night, get nice and rough, it can get dangerous. So not only should you wrap up but, you should have sex in a padded room.

Do you have any stories of drunken sex gone badly? Well you know we want to hear them!!!!

The catwalk of shame

Hanging out with friends on the late night is most often a good time. Beating the sun home after these nights is usually a challenge. Which brings me to my topic. The ever dreaded walk of shame. 

The walk of shame is when you get home after the sun comes up. Most people are getting ready to head out for work, church and errands  but not you. You are the party animal or the late night booty call. You are walking into your buildings, houses and even your jobs in the same clothes you left in the night before. 

Everyone who saw you leave the night before kindly smile and say good morning. They make it seem like they won't talk about you later. You know they do and they will. They probably have you pegged as a floozy or manwhore if male. I say who cares. Hold your head high as you walk in, underwear tucked into your purse or back pocket. Who are they to judge? You had the time of your life. Everyone has their chance at the walk of shame. It's just a matter of bearing witness to the occassion. 

When's the last time you walked the catwalk of shame?

Who caught you? 

The incredible exploding breasts

I want to take a few minutes to talk about women with breast implants. I have nothing against them especially if they look natural but I do have something against exploding titties. I found out today that a woman in London had a breast explode while playing paint ball. This occurrence is concerning and alarming. What else can cause breast implants to explode? Aside from the regular warnings here are some things that I came up with:

Just like an aerosol can has a warning contents under pressure do not store in extreme heat. I started thinking that well what about implants? Are they made to with stand extreme heat all the time? I mean would a person with implants suffer from an explosion if they stay out in the sun for long periods of time? Could this be why people choose tanning beds instead?

Would a breast implant burst while the person is jumping rope? Let's think about this. The person is jumping up and down thus shaking the implant vigorously. Can you imagine an implant bursting like a water balloon? Splash.

Do you think a breast implant can with stand the force from a rollercoaster? All of that pressure from the G force pressing against the chest of a person with implants. Not only do I think it would burst the implant but it might just blow the whole titty up. This would be a tragic event. Man what about sky diving? Oh man...

So ladies and Gents I know people get implants for different reasons. Just hear me out. If you want to lead a full life of adventure and excitement please rethink this surgery. You might end up having to get reconstructive titty surgery. Imagine having to get skin graphed off your thigh to make your titty look normal because it exploded while you were living your life. Doesn't seem like a good look.

The lost art of Shrimping

When most people think of the term shrimping they think of people living on the Bayou out in shrimp boats. Today I am going to talk to you about the other kind of shrimping. The only boats required are the ones at the end of your legs. Still confused? Let me elaborate. In the sexual world shrimping is the act of toe sucking. I guess shrimping can be defined as a type of fetish but you do not need a foot fetish to shrimp.

Now some of you are really grossed out right now, I am sure of it. I am going to tell you do not knock it before you try it. The foot is very sensitive and can stimulate your loins to throb. Just like you can't have sex with just anyone, you cannot shrimp with just anyone. Please make sure the person doesn't have a fungus on their feet. Finding out you have athletes foot in your throat would not be too exciting. Shrimping someone with decent feet can be a great experience.

Unless you have a foot fetish the shrimper would not be aroused when shrimping. The reaction of your partner may get that arousal out of you anyway. Start by massaging your partner’s feet. You can use lotion but remember your mouth is going on there and a mouth full of lotion can taste nasty. As you pull your partners feet up you can rub them across your chest. As it approaches your mouth begin to lick lightly unless your partner is ticklish. If that’s the case you have to figure out another way. You can also begin to suck on the toes. It’s ok if you get sloppy with it.

When you are done shrimping since you already have the leg up either you can proceed to oral sex or just slide right in. You can also try shrimping during penetration their legs are up and their feet are there anyway. 
I know not everyone will agree shrimping is great but it does add a little twist to a drab sex life.

Have you been shrimping?
Did you like it?
Do you have any funny stories about it?
Have you been shrimped?

Prostitute's paying taxes in Germany

 While I was watching CNN this morning to get my daily dosage of depression from the media they reported about a machine on the streets of Bonn Germany. Well this is not your ordinary machine. A prostitute puts $8.70 into the machine so she can work for the day. This is supposed to cover her taxes for the day. The machine itself is not a fly by night machine. It is made by Siemens. It actually looks a little like a Munimeter. Those in NY and DC know what a Munimeter is.

The machine was not the best part of the story reported. They went on to saying that prostitution was legal in Germany. Something I didn't know. They also said that the government put up special stalls called conjugal stalls. They said it’s so they have areas to do their business. Seriously, like is prostitution that popular over there?

I guess since the thoughts about certain sex acts are so taboo here in the U.S. I couldn't help but to think ewww, a little wooden box for johns to get their rocks off. Wouldn't they be afraid to be seen leaving from there? I guess for the women workers it is optimal. They don't have to leave their area missing out on other possible financial opportunities.

I still have problems thinking about those little rooms that are in the back of the stores where you get adult movies and toys and motels. When I was traveling across the US I had to check into a motel because I couldn’t drive anymore. I didn't sleep very well thinking that maybe the people before me were putting DNA all over the bed and the sheets may not have been changed. I was on top of the blanket the whole time, while fully clothed, trying not to touch anything.

Can you imagine the fuckery that would go on if conjugal stalls would be implemented here in the United States? People who are not in the adult industry of street sex would be getting those daily tickets so they can have sex with their mates and not be arrested. Cop would come by, "Can I see your papers?" As dude is mid business and present the ticket. The cop would then nod and walk away. "Carry on, I'm next."

With all the free Vagina and Penis in the world I don't know why people pay for it. Is it just a fantasy? Sex with a stranger kind of deal? Or is it because someone people want certain fetishes taken care of that they are ashamed to verbally speak about with their mates? I guess I know why people do it.

I mean I want to ask my readers: Would you have sex with someone for money if it were legal?
Would you purchase sex? Hell, have you? Besides getting a nut and maybe crabs was there anything else you got from it?  Feel free to answer anonymously.

Ride or die

Earlier today I made a comment about riding penis, I said "Riding penis is like riding a bike; after not riding for a long time the first time you are a little shaky but before long you get that rhythm back. Someone told me that this subject better make it to my blog. So here is it. Ride or die. Fellas, how many girls during your courting process say "I can ride a mean penis." Then you figure out she is as stiff as a board and as exciting as watching a sponge.

                    

Here is where the Popcorn Popper comes in. Ladies, it’s time to ride or die. Some women are afraid of being on top. Why? Is it because he is looking up at you? Or because you are lazy and don’t want to have to do all the work? Fear no more. There are different ways to ride where you can be comfy and find the right groove. Just like giving head, you have to gauge what your guy likes by how hard and excited he is. Imagine that, being receptive to what your partner likes. If it was only about you this would be called B.O.B or die but it’s not.

There are different methods that one can try and don't think I’m giving away my personal secrets. No sire Bob. Riding is all in the hips, waist and thighs. You need to have motion. I think some of you ladies need a trip to the gentlemen's club. Not all women agree with this but dancers do work hard. Being sexy is not always easy. Well most of you Suzy's know because you are reading this. There are certain moves that exotics dancers do on the stage that can help you with your technique.

Another tool that women can use is porn. Pick up your jaws. Yes, I said ladies you need to watch porn. There are a lot of women out there that claim not to watch it but I’m here to tell you that you need to. Just to let you know not all women in the adult industry can ride a penis but you will know who got those oohhhh weee skills.

If you don't want him looking up at you lean into him, brush your lips up against his neck while you are finding your rhythm. If you are doing this don’t forget to be all the way down around the base and grind. Make sure it’s as good to him as it is to you. Once again I am not giving away my secrets but if any of you ladies need some pointers feel free to ask.

Ladies, remember what you won’t do another woman will. Gents, if your lady is lacking in this area find a nice way to tell her. You have to show her what feel goods to you. Sex without communication is just like doing it to yourself on a bad day. You know when you try 8 different things and none of them get your off so you just fall asleep instead.

Ladies, are you a ride or die chick?

Gents, is your woman a ride or die?

Where are my shoes?

First reader's let me apologize for not providing you with my awesomeness yesterday. I had a really bad headache when I got home last night. Last night I got the privilege of participating in something called lelay night. A friend of mine is from Ghana and it is the night of food, family and friends before the wedding.

For some people this would be a cultural shock as things are not traditionally what we would see here in America. All of the women wore their cultural African dress. While they all spoke English they chose to engage in conversation in their dialect, which if you ask me does make for an uncomfortable setting for those who don't know the language. I know they were talking about us, but I digress.

The shoes I decided to wear were very hot but they hurt like hell. So about 20 minutes in them I decided to go fetch the ugly flip flops my son left in the care. Sometimes you need to be about comfort. When I got back with the flip-flops on I decided to take them off and leave them by the door. Not only was it because they didn’t match my outfit but for me it was a sign of respect as they are Muslim.

As it got later in the night I decided it was time to go home and get my son ready for bed. After I bid my goodbyes, I go to the door to get my flip flops but they are nowhere to be found. I asked some of the ladies that were sitting by the door if they had seen my shoes. Basically I was hoping that they would form a small search party but they said oh check there pointing to a pile of shoes. Of course they were not there because that was the first place I had looked.

One lady actually tried looking while the others just sat in the way and probably talked about me. She then said go around and check everyone’s feet maybe someone put them on. I was thinking to myself, why the hell would someone be wearing shoes that do not belong to them? I went over to my friend who is African (not the bride), she is a gem, I told her my shoes were missing and the first thing out of her mouth was "Were they nice?" I told her no they were ugly men’s flip-flops and she gave me the: you shouldn't have left anything lying around look.

I had entertained the idea of walking to my car barefooted but how country is that? I decided to walk around looking at everyone’s feet. At this point I was looking crazy as hell. So I know they were really talking about me. Finally I went back by the door and some lady walked in wearing my damned flip-flops. I was upset. First of all, I don't know her. Second of all, how do you just put on some random shoe that you know is not yours? Third, she was all nonchalant about it. Like *in African accent* "I am so sorry, my shoes were hurting. I didn't know these were yours." C'mon SON!!

The moral of the story kids, don’t leave your shit around people you don't know. Not even your flip flops are safe. I need to go soak my feet in bleach.