Thank you...

I want to take this time out to thank my readers. It has only been a few months since I started blogging and it seems there are a few of you that look forward to my fuckery. I know that I have not been writing as often as I should but I am trying to do better. Without you guys Popcorn and Pillows would be nothing. Next year look forward to new topics and even more of my bullshit rants.
See you guys on the other side.

I love you Guys <3

Really dough? It's New Year's Eve

So today is New Year’s Eve. The last day of the year and you know people are making all kinds of ass backwards resolutions. I learned a long time ago that the only people who make resolutions are weak individuals who really don't plan on doing anything but breaking them as soon as 12:01 hits. You got to love the creativity though. I think as time goes by they get even more amusing.

Some of the things people vow to give up are funny. Especially when they are known for the things that they are claiming to reject in the New Year. This made me think.. What are some of the fat fetched things that people claim to give up knowing damned well they can’t and won’t. Here are some:

Hoes vowing to give up fucking random dudes, at 12:01 while the heaux are taking shots they are already being scouted out for the one night stand. By 8 am on New Year’s Day they are doing the walk of shame looking like they got hit with the WTF stick because they were fucking and drinking all night. Bitch please. Do us all a favor and give in to your hoedomness. Accept being who you are because it will not change once the clock strikes midnight.

Another funny group of people are the drug users. People who smoke weed, crack etc etc. No matter how light or rough the drug. 11:59 weed smokers are lighting their last blunt of their lives... At 12:01 they are lighting another one because they couldn’t remember what they said at 11:59. Just give it up already.

The best group of liars are the ones who vow to lose weight for the new year. This has made me want to invest in a fly by night gym. These people sign up for gyms. Go for the first 2 weeks then never go again, while they are still bound by contract to the gyms and still paying their good money. Shit... If I get 100 people to pay 10's a month for a membership that's an easy 1000 a month... I could open a place and two weeks later shut it down and take their money. Good thing I am a good person and I wouldn’t take advantage of folks. But I know there are probably people out there who do it.

Any way Please stop thinking you will change overnight because you lied to yourself one night while drinking and self-reflecting on your life. Change takes time, effort and energy. If you didn’t change the 364 days before New Year’s what makes you think you will do it on NYE? I'm just saying. I know there are some people who agree and some who disagree. Either way, have fun and be safe... <3

its a Ho-tastraphe

This post is dedicated to the heaux of the world who are in total denial of their heuax status. I feel like if you are loose then you should embrace who you are. Be honest with yourself and those around you.

There is nothing more tragic than a hoe in denial. If you cannot remember 90 percent of your partners than you are a heaux! If you had more dick and pussy in your mouth than Trojan condoms then you are a heaux. If you have your own personal porn collection staring you with a different co-star every time then you are a heaux.

 Don't fret my friends. Being a heaux can't be all that bad. Let’s examine this. With being a heaux comes experience. One would hope so anyway. There is nothing worse than being a heaux who can't fuck, suck or lick. Shout out to Kim k. An experienced heaux makes people happy sexually. That's if their genitalia haven’t rotted off yet.
 

Smart hoes always carry their own protection. For those cheap bastards who want sex but don't want to spend the cash on the rubbers maybe a heaux is what you need. Hopefully a heaux gets coupons on prophylactics, kind of like a frequent fucker program. Can you imagine walking into CVS and the cashier saying hello Mr/Ms. (insert name here).. I have that new brand of condoms I was telling you about. These are on the house. I mean you don't have to be a heaux to appreciate free protection.

So in conclusion my message to the Heaux of the world is "embrace who you are." I mean without Heaux we wouldn’t have great porn. Just stop being in denial. Just some food for thought....

Surprise..... I Blank

So there are many things in life that make a wonderful surprise and there are things that are not so much of one. After a recent conversation with an old friend of mine I found out that he had a recent surprise that was a bit bitter sweet. This made me think. What are some things that wouldn't make a good surprise?

So here is what I have came up with. Picture it you open the door and you find the person you are recently dating standing there with all their stuff and they say "Surprise, I'm moving in." That would be terrible. Unless you like clingy people who you rarely know moving in your house.

Another surprise that would not be the best in the world would be a wife telling her husband "Surprise, I am pregnant by the mailman." Now it would be good if the husband hates his wife and was looking for an out in their marriage.

The last surprise I will talk about today is the surprise offspring. there's a knock on the door and its your ex with a grown ass kid. "Surprise, you have a 10 year old kid" for some people this surprise would be great. but for many men I know their hearts would probably stop on the spot. shit they should make a reality show about it. there are reality shows about everything else under the sun why not this.

What are some other unpleasant surprises you can think of?

Time to give.

All year long I talk a lot of smack about things and people but in all honesty I am a really loving and giving person. For as long as I can remember in my adult life I have given to charity and people in need. There was once a time in my life when I was the person receiving charity. I will never forget those who were there to help. It instilled a great value in my heart. The value of giving and charity.

I don't want anyone to think its only a holidays thing. We give to charity year round when we can. I just want to encourage my readers to remember those who are less fortunate and give when you have in excess. I am not trying to preach, nor gloat or tell anyone what they should do. I just think it is good to assist those who are unable to do so.                

There are a lot of places that do picks ups which is really cool.

Envios to Honduras

The Popcorn Popper is at it again. As you all already may know I promote my friends that are trying to do positive things in their lives. A very good friend of mine owns a shipping company. As of right now her company, only makes shipments from Ny/NJ to Honduras. I am attempting to help promote her company because she is and has always been extrememly awesome. To see her business prosper would make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

The name of her company is Cinco Estrellas Cargo LLC. For pick ups she can be reached at (201) 696-1775. www.Cincoestrellascargo.com.  Only serious inquiries please.

She will not ship anything illegal so please do not waste your time or hers!!!

Como todos ustedes ya saben yo promuevo mis amigos que están tratando de hacer cosas positivas en sus vidas. Una muy buena amiga mío es dueña de una empresa de transporte. A partir de ahora su compañía, sólo hace envíos de NY / NJ a Honduras. Estoy tratando de ayudar a promover su compañía porque ella es y siempre ha sido Extremadamente impresionante.

El nombre de su empresa es Cinco Estrellas Cargo LLC. Para que le recojan su carga se puede llamar al (201) 696-1775. www.Cincoestrellascargo.com. Sólo llamadas serias por favor.

when your ___ does ____ it means ____

So for the past three weeks my left eye has been twitching. I am convinced that my kids have made me go crazy to the point that my eye twitches. Now I visited web MD and it said that a twitching eye can come from stress, lack of sleep and something else that was just stupid. Every time I tell someone else my eye is twitching I get a new concept as to why. People call these Old wives tales, today I want to discuss some of these old wives tales. I'm only going to hit on a few.

So upon telling someone my eye has been jumping/twitching I was asked is it the left or the right. I said the left and they said "oh that means something good is going to happen. If it’s the right eye that means it’s something bad." Now it sounded good so I smiled and said "Yay" Here I am Three weeks later and aint shit happen but a damn eye twitch. Don't get me wrong. I love blessings big and small but the way my eye was twitching you would think I have turrets.

So yesterday I was at a Jewelry party that my friend was hosting and my damn eye started twitching again. It gets pretty annoying. So i said something about my eye and pointed it out. My friend who is African, don’t ask me what country I forgot, she says "oh that means you are going to get money." I told her I might be about to strike it rich because my eye has been jumping for Three weeks.

Thus far I haven’t seen any of these things come to pass but I guess only time would tell... What are some other old wives tales that you have heard or believe in?

And please don’t say stepping in shit means you are going to get money. All you get is a shitty shoe and treated like a redheaded step child because you smell like shit. :)

Almost done with my semester

This is just a quickie... I'm coming in, getting off and rolling out. I just want to let you guys know that I am almost done with my semester andI will be back to my debauchery in full effect soon. Hope I havent lost too many fans. :) xoxoxoxo

P. Popper

Stinking in the club

This past weekend I decided to journey down to venture down to Washington DC to party for my 30th birthday. I didn’t want to party in the local tri-state area because I hadn’t been down to the DC area in a while. I met up with two of my old friends and began partying in the club. It was an epic experience as always.... UNTIL..

The fat girl in the sparkly dress appeared. Not only did she appear but she made a presence. Her odor hit me first and I thought to myself. Lawd it’s too early for me to be funky. So I did the smell check under my arms. I even asked my friend if I smelled bad. He laughed and said no. He had no idea what was coming for him UNTIL.....

She recognized him. She went next to him and began talking. I kindly danced in another direction not trying to make it obvious that she smelled like she had 8 gypsy cab drivers smuggled under her dress. When she walked away I laughed at my friend who now knew why i asked if I smelled bad. He made a joke about having to wash his hands because he touched her.

As the evening progressed her smell got worst and she cleared out the VIP stage area. I had found my way down to the regular dance floor until I saw she had left. I told my other friend I had to go dance with the masses with sparkly dress chick. He said man she was FUNKY. It was so bad he had to comment to me about it again later in the evening.

My question to my readers is why would you go to the club without smell checking yourself? And it’s not like this bitch didn’t have people with her. This is how you know you DONT have real friends. Those trifling bitches let her run around smelling like fromunda funk. (fromunda that rank smell from under). The bad thing is that 7-eleven was right down the street. They could have bought her some deodorant. I guess it’s safe to safe no matter where you go, no matter what city or state there will always be that stink ass person in the club.

You got any stinky people in the club stories?

Veteran's day Rant

Well today is 11/11/11 and it is also Veteran's day. As my day comes to an end I decide to pop some popcorn, which I ended up burning because I deicded to fetch my warm fuzzy robe. I am having a beer and taking a moment to relfect on life.

I overheard a conversation the other day at my workplace that was rather disturbing. One of the guys said "Oh if that were the case I would run to Canada or something i'm never serving in the military." It took everything I had in my soul not to yell out "You fucking cowardly little bitch" but I like having a job and I have bills to pay but I bit my tongue. I lost all respect for that individual. It's one thing to be afraid to serve but its another to be disrespectful.

When I served along side my bretheren in the United States Marine Corps one of our SSgt's introduced us to the flag burning ceremony. A flag burning ceremony is a proper way to dispose of a worn and tattered American flag. During the ceremony there were alot of things that were done and I can't remember much but what i do remember is that there was always a guest speaker.

The last ceremony we had there was a Marine Corps Veteran speaking to us. He was so proud and honored to be part of our ceremony. He kept ranting on and on about how awesome it was and speaking words of praise and thanks to us. It didnt make sense at the time. I didn't understand what this guy was so gung ho about.

In my mind he couldn't be speaking about the same Corps that made me leave my children almost every spring and fall to go to the field for a month at a time. He couldn't be speaking about the same Corps that made us do what we thought was fuck fuck work. He couldn't be talking about the Corps that showed favoritism to certain Marines. and you know what, He wasnt.

He was talking about the Corps that landed you a lifetime of frineds that you served along side. The friends who you ate with everyday. The ones you got in trouble with or for. The friends who fought along side you. The friends who, when you were over at war tried thir damnedsest to help you keep your mind off of the passing days. He was talking about the people that would be life long brothers and sisters.

He was talkng about the honor that you would feel when you told somoene you served as a Marine. He was talking about the look of awe that people give you when they found out you served. He was talking about pride. Being proud of what you have accomplished and letting it become part of you indefinitely.

Today I sit here eating my burnt popcorn, drinking a Sam Adams and listening to a foriegn subtitle film play in the back ground as a proud Veteran. I am proud of those who have come before me. I am proud of those who served with me and I am proud of those who have to courage to serve in the future.

I leave you tonight with this...... Life is not about how much money you have, its not about the clothes that you wear, its about how you love and treat the people around you. Love each other and appreciate all the blessings bestowed upon you. because everything in this world comes with a blessing even our pitfalls. Everything in life happens for a reason. You just need to find it.

All I cant eat

So today we went to Hooters for dinner. They have 9.99 all you can eat wings and I really feel like I let myself down. I used to be the kind of person that could go to an all you can eat event and eat enough to feel like I had gotten my money's worth. Nowadays I have to do the math. Is it worth it for me to pay the all you can eat price or just regular price things?

Tonight was actually a good deal. 10 dollars all you can eat came with 15 wings and fries. To start 10 wings are usually 8.99 and fries are like almost 5 bucks. So in this regard I get the bang for my buck. Chinese buffets on the other hand well I'm better off buying fruit on the side of the road from some Mexican who doesn’t know hygiene.

At these all you can eat Chinese things I most often times end up filling up on orange slices and pineapples. eh go figure. I'm the type of person that if it doesn’t look right I’m not going to eat it. Also I hate those sneeze guards. I’m the perfect height not to reach the food in the back row so I end up having to literally climb into the damn buffet to get some chicken with broccoli.

Another thing about Chinese all you can eat buffets is that they want to charge 16 dollars on weekends because they usually have a seafood menu. I can’t even eat half of that crap. So word to the wise, if you ever take the Popcorn Popper out to dinner an all you can eat joint will only waste your money.

 MAybe buffets is why Americans are so gosh damned fat int he first place.

Are you an all you can eat kind of person? How often can you "All you can eat?

Get your winter Bun!!!

Well winter is quickly approaching so you know what that means if you don’t have a winter bun in line by now you may not have one come the winter time. For those who don't know what a winter bun is, a winter bun is a cuff buddy (a warm body) someone to keep you company while it’s cold.

The time to start looking for that winter bun is the end of August. It’s usually someone who you wouldn’t be seen in public with under different circumstances. Someone who you know you can deal with for a few months but nothing longer. Someone who will actually help keep you warm or who can cook, you know for those days you are snowed in.

Another thing you should look for when looking for the winter Bun is someone who at least likes the same kind of movies. Who the hell wants to lay on the couch and cuddle to some bullshit ass movies? Another thing in the bag they are to have a tooth brush, washcloth, fresh underwear and enough prophylactics. Anything more is grounds for dismissal.

The Last thing you need to remember when choosing your winter bun is that they are not supposed to last forever. As soon as there is a 70 degree day, it’s time for them to pack up their toothbrush, wash cloth and underwear and go. You have to make it look like things aren’t working because they are not happy. You need to start acting up so they break it off then once august comes back along again you can act like you’re sorry if they were a good bun.

Until next time folks... Stay warm, stay safe and get Bunned!!

The Cup of....

So yesterday I was hanging out with an old friend from high school. I really wanted to go out but she bought a bottle of Moscato over to my mom’s house and we began to drink and talk shit. Well once the bottle of Moscato was gone we decided to go to the liquor store to upgrade to some Hennessey.

The liquor stores in the Bronx only take cash which I never carry (in case anyone ever plans to try to rob me, you'll be mad) so I decided to go to the McDonald’s next to the liquor store to get some cash. While we were there I decided when in Rome do as the romans.

So I ordered my chicken nugget meal, but was then told they were out of barbeque sauce. Now what kind of ghetto low budget shit is that? But I didn’t complain I was ready to order something else but then decided to get what I was ordering. I know the little girl behind the register was mad but she was laughing the whole time because I was cracking jokes about randomness.

So I get my receipt and am waiting for my order when I discovered I was charge 50 cents for a cup of.

Now I don't mind getting charged for things that I order and if things will cost extra but can someone tell me what a cup OF is? Anyone? She couldn’t even tell me, We laughed so damn hard that I told her to keep the 50 cents for the cup OF cause the McDonald’s must have been in deep financial need since they didn’t have barbeque sauce or ketchup.

That Cup Of made it a memorable night.

only me... #161

I have come to the realization that certain things only happen to me in life. Some people look for drama while me on the otherhand I could be sitting in my living room sipping on a drink and drama falls right in my lap.

So I know this one guy through some mutual friends. So we are now cool with no added extras. I saw the dude the other day when i was picking my kids up from daycare and he started telling me about a personal situation. I think this is because everyone thinks i'm Dr Phil or Dr Joyce Brothers. Anywho... He tells me he is in a situation about paternity he is nervous etc etc.

So since him and I are friends on FB and I dont have his number because like I said we arent that cool. I hit him up to see how things are going for him. Is the situation ok etc. So we have a few messages on Facbook. He tells me the situation is recified and everything worked out in his favor. We make a few little jokes and the conversation is over.

Tell me why I get a message from his FB from the female. I would guess she would be upset about whatever we were talking about but.... I mean..GOSH! I didnt even say anything negative about the female. She tried to take it to the next level. "If you got any questions you can contact me directly. Mind your business" I wanted to reply "tell me why you mad son" But I knew that would just add fuel to the fire. I'm not about to fight some chick over some dude I don't even like like that.


The moral of the story is folks, no matter how much I think im avoiding problems. Problems know where to find me.

Also the home paternity kits from CVS really WORK!!!

And another thing... Why do dudes give people their passwords? or use passwords that are easily cracked? "You Gonna Learn Tonight"

Why you got so much base in your voice?

So this is a quick funny story to share.

Everyone who knows me knows I am single. No surprise considering my last post huh? Anyway, I met this guy about a month ago while out at a club. He seemed nice and we danced great together so I gave him my number. I have no seen him since that night. He claims he was in a car accident but I still need proof. I think he is lying and maybe he is married. Only time will tell.

Anyway the other night we were on the phone and I was tired. I was already in bed. So we were mid conversation and he stopped and said "why do you have so much bass in your voice?" I'm thinking huh? It didn't even dawn on me the thought he had going through his head.

The next morning I woke up thinking about getting my nipples pierced. Whether I should go through with it or not so I sent him a text asking him what he thought. He said "that doesn’t sound too bad and maybe you can get downstairs done but we have to see about that first." Still... The thought didn't dawn on me.

It wasn't until later in the afternoon that I hit me like a ton of BRICKS. He thought I was a man.......

It all made sense. We met in a club downtown. He was shady about speaking to me, he asked why I had so much bass in my voice and then the comment about the down stairs but we will see. I called him and asked if he needed to see my stretch marks and c section scar. He said he believed me and we were good.

Damn... Maybe I am turning into Joe.

Like a good neighbor state farm is not there....

Today I want to talk about these shady ass people that I seem to encounter but can never seem to shake. In a conversation earlier in the week, I made a comment about having an invisible sign on my forehead that only needy and crazy ass dudes can see. This is starting to ring true. I am so serious. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the absolute worst luck when it comes to picking guys. There are slim pickings too. It's strange.

Now before you say stop looking or look in different places I am going to tell you I do not look. I can be minding my own business and BAM! A dude appears with his suitcase in one hand and bags of issues in the other. Kind of like that State Farm commercial, instead I don’t sing the jingle, shit just magically appears.

Let's think about this, if I encountered a great guy or a semi-normal guy don’t you think I would hold on to him? Try to play nice so I don’t scare him off? Wait until he is good and got before I showed him how nuts I really am?

You know how insurances have policies? Well I am going to create a policy. Make people sign and date. My policy will read:

While we are not all perfect, this policy is a policy of exclusions. It covers the things I will not do for you while we are casually dating. Please do not ask about some these exclusions for a period of never ever and others for a period of 4 years 65,000 text messages. If you last long enough to actually see this policy expire consider yourself lucky and adhere to the guidelines that will be laid out by the extended coverage plan.

Here is a list of things I will not do for you

While I am a nice good hearted person I am not a charity. If we are not seriously dating please do not call me because you have no food in your house. I don't care if you don't eat 6 out of 7 days. As long as you eat on that day that you are to see me and you have enough energy to deal with me.

I will not babysit your bad ass kids. . I don't like my kids 5 days out of the week. You want me to pretend to like yours? It’s not going to happen.

I will not Google anything for you if you sent me the request via text message. If you had enough sense to ask the question via text then you can use Google.

I will not pretend to be dumb just so you can feel smart. If you are stupid then you are wasting everyone's time. Go drink some Draino. I heard it really cleans out the system.

I will most certainly not bail you out of jail. Sit your ass in there and figure out why you fucked up. While I’m eating a steak, I hope they give you some mayo for your bologna sandwich.

I will not pay your cellphone, rent, car note, insurance, light, gas, credit card etc. Want a sugar momma? I'm not the one.

I will not entertain the drama of your baby (babies) momma. Tell that bitch to get a life.

I will not wash your car. Hell I won’t even wash mine. That's the YOUR job.

I will not let you meet my kids after only dating me for 5 days. What do you think this is? You are not Barney. We are not going around singing I love You.

I will not give you money under any circumstances. If you invite me out to dinner with only 20 dollars in your pocket that's your problem. You should have cooked me a meal instead.

I will not buy you clothes. I don't care that you liked that Gucci shirt in the store. I will pretend that shit don't exist as I eat my Cinnabun.

I will not help you find a job. If you lose your job while we are dating, I will not stop dating you but please do not ask me to re-write your resume, send out your resume or apply to jobs for you. If I wanted to do that I would work for monster.com.

I will not put up with stupid questions. ie: Why don't you want to pay my bills? Why are you so mean?

I will not pick you up in the middle of the night after you have been out drinking with your friends at the club. Take a cab. Get a bus pass. Hitch hike your ass home.

I am sure I can think of more but I am sure you get the picture.

Finally... I leave you with this...

I am not jaded. There would be nothing greater than for me to encounter true love. That skip everywhere you walk kind of love. That everything smells like roses and apple pie kind of love. Unfortunately thus far that love has not found its way into my life.

SO Until then.. I'm printing and laminating my policy of dating exclusions.

Making love faces

Ok really quick... I just had a funny thought Trey Songz made a song about making love faces. He tried to make it sound so great but no matter how great it sounds. The funniest thing in the world is to look over at your partner during sex and they have the spazz face.

The spazz face is the face that you get when something feels so good that you can't control your movement. This usually occurs when your toes curl. The body begins to have involuntary movements. Legs begin twitching, lips quivering and the funny noises come out. I once knew this guy who sounded like an invalid during sex. True story. It was hilarious.

The funny thing about laughing at people during or after the sex is that they usually get mad and don't want to speak to you ever again. OOPS!! But that was FUNNY!!! Ohhodssdkl nskdjnfksnf fnsnfsknf were the words coming out of his mouth. Face went into convulsions. It took everything in me not to fall over laughing.

Lesson to be learned kids: have sex with the lights off. I know lights on is sexy and you can see the sexy body f your partner but you can also see the spazz face.

Et Tu Brute?

The title for my blog today comes from the play Julius Caesar. Just some background for those who didn't read the play, Brutus was supposed to be Julius Caesar's right hand man but in the end he was the one to stab him in the back. Et Tu Brute is French for “And you Brutus?” Today I want to talk about the difference between friends.

Lately a lot of people on FaceBook have been posting things about "Real" friends. It made me laugh because it was long ago that I too was betrayed by a few "Real" friends. I was taught by my mother that a friend is a dollar in your pocket if the pocket isn’t broken. Meaning, your real friends will show themselves in time.

Since my life's lesson in betrayal I have adapted a new attitude about my friends. First of all, my friends are broken up into 2 groups. Associates, people I know and sometimes call friends. I have a shit load of people I know and while my life is an open book for the most part. They feel they 100% know me but they really don't. I still hang out with them and party with them etc. I don't treat my associates badly.

 The other group I call them family or BESTIES. These are the people who I know can put up with my shit and vice versa. I am, contrary to popular belief, anti-social. My family “BESTIES” are the people who I trust. These are the people I know I can get shitty drunk around and they will get me home and hold my hair. These are the people I know that even if I haven't called them in 5 years when we talk it’s like time never passed. These are the people that I know won't steal my boyfriend.

Most importantly these are the people that will talk shit to my face not behind my back. Example: "Where the fuck do you think you are going with that on? You look like the muffin man's wife." Now if someone I didn't know said this to me I would flip out but if one of my Besties said this to me I would rethink my outfit and ask for advice. A lot of people in the world think they have friends but judging how they leave the house with their friends. I can tell you boo boo those are not your friends. Try again.

I appreciate all of my friends. Whether it's a friend I see once every 10 years or it's the person who I see every day. Not everyone can deal with my harsh personality. It takes a special person to be friends with the Popcorn Popper but once you are in, well we are friends for life.

*Ghetto voice* I want to give a shout out to all my BESTIES all over the world. Always remember. "Dudes come and go but your Bitches are FOREVER"

the Popper has been Pooped

now contrary to the title, this post is not about poop. I haven't been posting much lately because I have had a lot going on with work, school, the kids and my constant failed attempts at a personal life.

Let me fill you guys in on recent events. Mind you, I am not complaining. I am in the middle of job transitions. I am in the middle of a semester that is online and Saturdays. I got stood up the other day for brunch. Initially I was upset but then I said Fuck it. I'm a beautiful woman who deserves a quiet brunch at Ihop.

My brunch at Ihop was disturbed by unneccessary phone drama, which I hope I defused. I am getting too old for too much confusion. Especially confusion that has nothing to do with me. I digress. Every and anyone who knows me personally know me and Ihop do not agree very well. That came and passed.

Friday I went out to party with friends that I feel I neglect way too much. Honestly its because my schedule sucks being a single parent. I love the kids though  :) mine anyway. I went out to the city and had an awesome time. I got home @ 330 to be up for school @ 630.

That was the absolute longest English class EVER. I remember the days I could party all night and go to work like nothing. I must have gotten old. The rest of Saturday I hated life and everyone in it. I was the biggest bitch and it was not intentional. At one point I remember telling someone I couldn't wait for them to die so I can dance on their casket. Yes reader's that was UBER messed up. For those who don't know when I don't sleep or am hungry I turn into something terrible. I am going to get a handle on that.

Anyway the next day cause I slept all Saturday night. I did homework, and watched the Jets lose. Boo bitch Boo. We'll get them next time. Yesterday was stressful and it brings us to today. I am posting to tell my fans I love them and forgotten. Just been horrendously busy. Tonight I will post something awesome!!!! I PROMISE.

Have a good day Poppee's

Say what you mean and mean what you say

Today I'm venting because I’m tired of the dating scene and the games that people play. In this day and age dating is so damned hard. What makes it even harder is that people always have ulterior motives. Why can't we be up front with each other about what we want? Why does it have to be a dating game?

If you meet someone and think they are good looking and are only interested in getting their box or pole just say so. Why pretend to be interested in that person? Why waste your time and theirs? I mean if initially you are interested in getting to know who they are and then decide you don't like them then say so. It would hurt their feelings less if you are upfront. Don't wait for them to catch feelings 6 months down the line to say "So um, I don’t really like you"

I respect a man more when he says "I'm not interested in your job, personality or what you did yesterday. I am just interested in sex." Would he probably get smacked if he is rude about it? Maybe but he will get honesty points. Honesty is big in my book. If you are honest then there is no room for lies...

With that being said please do not tell people things that are not true. "I love you; you mean the world to me." "I want you to be my girl". Things like this only get people into situations they are not ready for. If you love the person then fine, say it. But don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Nothing is accomplished by doing this. Someone’s feelings end up getting hurt and someone else ends up looking like a big dirt bag.

And stop asking people out on dates or accepting dates you really don't want to go on. That way people won't be let down or stood up. This is getting ridiculous. I'm done ranting.

Have a good night... I’m upset right now... in the words of my cousin... FTP.. FUCK Them PUTOS... lol

This is why masturbating is good

The other day on the Radio I heard about some kid who died from masturbating 42 times. What I wanted to blog about yesterday was "Maybe mom was right, I can die from touching myself." Since I couldn't find a reliable source to back this information up I decided not to blog about it. With that being said I figured I would share the good in masturbation.

I ran a search online for reasons why masturbating is good. I got this link http://besthealthmag.ca/embrace-life/wellness/6-healthy-reasons-to-masturbate. All of these are really good reasons but I figured I could write some so that my readers could relate to them more.

So...

Reason number 1: It will prevent you from knocking out random strangers who perform daily acts of stupidity. Think about it people tend to get easily upset when they are backed up. If you masturbate often you have enough endorphins running through your body to make you feel happy more so than not.

Reason number 2(for men): If you get the pre nut out (pre nut: the first ejaculation after not having sex in a while. What usually catches you off guard making you look like a minute man when you are really a 3 minute man) then when it’s time for the vagina you will be ready to give it your all.

Reason number 3(ladies): He might know your vagina from your anus so why would you expect him to know how to get you off? Next time he gets off and goes to sleep, get to rubbing. No use in being frustrated because he is insufficient.

Reason number 4: If you know what you like you can show your partner. Guys ever have a girl rubbing on your penis like it’s a lamp and they are expecting a genie to pop out and you wonder: “What the heck is she doing?” Well if you don’t tell her how you like your snake pulled she won’t know. That goes for women too. Ever have a guy call himself touching you during foreplay and you are thinking what is that? He is looking at you like does that feel good and you reply "I don’t know I guess" Honey that is no help to him. Tell him. Rub it like this. But you will only know if you find out for yourself.

Reason number 5: Make sure your plumbing works. You don’t want to be cumming dust bunnies. Be all dried up like a raisin in the sun and don’t even know it. The article says use it or lose it. It’s in regards to sex drive but I’m talking in regards to your fluids. No one wants to be navigating through cob webs and the dry abyss. Keep it functional.

And finally (cause I’m not typing all night)

Reason number 6: It helps you get that GOOD sleep. Ladies ever look over after sex and your partner is snoring away? Well that’s because he ejaculated. If you achieve a good orgasm you might be able to sleep too. There are a lot of people I know who say they have trouble sleeping. I recommend masturbating to them. Some people act like they don’t do it but they are the ones that really need to.

OK ONE MORE.... I promise

Reason number 7: If you pleasure yourself you don’t run the risk of getting STD's from having sex with other people!!!! BOOM

So in conclusion..... Masturbating can be healthy for you sexually, physically and mentally so.....

Get to work!!!

Dum Dum Dum.... Captain save a hoe to the rescue!!!!

First of all I have been busy as heck with this school thing...*grumbles* my history book sucks but that is not what this blog is about today. Today, like right now!! I want to give a shout out to all the Captain save-a-hoe's in the world. Now don't think I am doing this out of sheer hatred. Nope. I can't. I too was a Captain save-a-hoe many of times. This is why I have to give props to all my fellow super heroes and tell them.... STOP THAT SHIT!!

Like I said, I too have fallen victim. I have been lured in by nice smiles and tragic life stories of being raised in a single parent home. I too have been bamboozled by the "I live at home with my mother but I am going to be moving out soon". Oh yea they move out all right, right into your SHIT. Eating up all your food and taking your kindness for weakness. Those days are done for me and this is why I am trying to help you.

You do not need to deal with that person’s drama. They were abused as a child? Damn that sucks. Go see a therapist. They get paid a lot of money to listen to people bitch and moan about their "terrible lives" and how uncle chuck who wasn’t really your uncle tried to look at them in the bath that one time. Don’t let these hoes fool you. Half of these stories probably aren't even true!!! It's all a game.

I am sorry if hoe's phones get cut off this month, if their rents don’t get paid. It’s not my fault. Male and female hoes alike need to run out and get a JOB! Pay your own bills. Go exploit your fellow hoes. Leave us captains be. Sometimes we need to be saved too from you no job having, every excuse in the world giving, big dick nice smile owning bastards.

So today mon amis of the Save-a-hoe world, stand with me in unison and say FUCK YOU PAY ME!!! This is our time to shine. Let them hoes perish in the fiery abyss.

Have you been a Captain? When and how did you realize that you were saving a hoe? Would you do it again or will you join me in my battle against the hoes?

The Medal of Honor

This morning I turned on the news and I was so proud to say that I was a Marine Sergeant. Although I am always proud of my accomplishments this morning was special. The Medal of Honor was awarded to a young Marine Corps Sergeant who is only 23 years old. He is the FIRST Marine to receive a Medal of Honor while still alive.

I type this with tears in my eyes. The heroism that this Marine portrayed is what it’s all about. As Marine's we are taught you never leave anyone behind and you take care of each other. This Marine risked his life for his fellow Marines. I know this act of valor is common amongst the Corps and many acts of heroism go unnoticed on a daily basis. This is just a really proud day for God, Country and Corps.

I remember sitting in Marine Corps history during boot camp learning about my fellow brothers who risked it all for their brothers. During the Crucible (the final test before you earned the honor of Marine) there were stations where we would stop at tired, worn out and practically starved, at these stations the Drill Instructors would tell us stories about Marine's who earned the Medal of Honor. No matter how exhausted I was, I felt a rush of pride run through my body. The same rush that I feel today.

I hope you guys to take the time out to read the article on this Marine.
Here is the link: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/16/us/dakota-meyer-marine-is-awarded-medal-of-honor.html?_r=1&ref=politics

So I may be a hypochondriac

Anyone who knows me knows that a lot of my conversations start with "OMG I am _____, I think I'm going to die. It may be a bit extreme on my part. Since I hardly get sick when something is going on with me I feel like the world may be ending.

The other day my ear was hurting. I made an appointment right away. I had the doctor set up a special appointment for me because I just knew I had an ear infection. I leave work early and get to the doctor. She checks my ears and I didn't even have stitch of infection, redness or wax. I quietly walked out from the office and said thank you.

Upon return to work a friend of mine asked me if I had an ear infection. I said "No, the doctor said everything was fine." She laughed at me and said "I think you might be a hypochondriac." I guess there were numerous occasions when I came up to her desk telling her I was going to die because of something that wasn't a major concern. She even listed the occasions. Egg on my face for caring too much about my health.

I don't know when this began or why but now if something is wrong I am on WebMD, medicine.net and any other site that offers information on medical ailments and symptoms. Most often times it provides good information on things. Other times it causes me to run to the doctor to make sure I am not dying of something. Since I am not dead yet I can safely say I don't have any life threatening diseases. I just need to take it easy and realize that the world of bacteria and viruses is not out to get me.

I know a lot of people out there that don't even go to the doctor. How do these people live with themselves?
Which are you the doctor goer or the person who just dies on the train? And am I overreacting?

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?

It's officially Football season. This is the time that makes or breaks relationships. This is something a lot of women don't understand. This could also be why they most women never make it past the winter with their men, thus becoming only a winter bun.

Ladies, you don't have to like football. You don't have to understand the game but you need to know your man, if he is a football fanatic, well he will watch football all day Sunday, Monday night and Thursdays as well. If he follows college football then his Saturday's are booked too. Support your man in his addiction. It will pay off to your benefit in the long run. Here are some pointers.

Make him a Sunday football spread of his favorite finger foods. You need to know that he will NOT be eating at the dinner table. So don't try to get cleaver and make a romantic dinner. You will be disappointed. With that food you are making him make sure you have his favorite drink. Most men enjoy a nice brew with their football and please make sure it’s cold, unless he is German then he might enjoy warm beer.

The basic thing to know about football is that there are 4 quarters. Halftime is your time to talk to him. This is the time you can ask him to take out the trash or give him some nice head. He will really appreciate it if you didn't interrupt him in the middle of the game. I think the only real exception is if the house is on fire. Ladies, please don't set the house on fire to get some attention.

The last pointer I will give you is this. If you have a comfy couch then join him in watching his favorite team. Show interest in his interests. Cuddle up next to him on the couch and enjoy those snacks and beer that you worked so hard to fix for him. Warning: The time to ask questions about football is not when he is yelling cause his team is losing. Ask as little questions as possible eventually you will understand the game. He might even volunteer information if he knows you don't know the game.

I am not saying all of this will guarantee that your relationship will last forever.... I am just saying this will help avoid a lot of unnecessary arguments. Also this goes both ways, I know there are a lot of men out there that are not into football. If you woman is into football show her that support. It's a two way street.

Am I right and am I right?
Has football ruined your relationship?

When da henny's in da system....

When the Henny's in the system ain’t no telling if I fuck or if I diss them.. This is semi quotable. A line from Jay-z's I'm a Hustler change slightly to depict my favorite drink. Tonight I want to talk to you about drunken sex. No I didn’t stutter or stammer. I said drunken sex. Drunken sex while in some cases can be great it can go terrible bad. I just want to examine the possible situations that can occur when drunken sex goes bad.

I heard one of the best antidotes ever while serving in one of the most elite fighting forces in the US. One of the guys that I served with told us a story about drunken sex gone terribly wrong. He had been dating a girl for quite a while and sex was no mystery to them. One night they were engaging in drunken sex in the shower and she hit her head against the tile. He said she passed out and was bleeding a little but due to his inebriation her left her there. In the morning she woke up with a bad headache, a gash and in the shower.

The next best antidote I heard was told to me by another colleague in a different line of work. The story was of when he was in college. He had bought a girl home during a wild party night and had awesome sex. The only problem was when he woke up in the A.M. There was blood all over the bathroom and there was a hole in the wall. He had no idea what had happened. His roommate had reminded him of the event. He had wild sex with the girl in the bathroom and somehow her foot went through the bathroom wall. They were so drunk they didn’t realize what happened but it made for an awesome story. The girl didn’t die or anything she is alive and well somewhere.

The whole conclusion while drunken sex can last all night, get nice and rough, it can get dangerous. So not only should you wrap up but, you should have sex in a padded room.

Do you have any stories of drunken sex gone badly? Well you know we want to hear them!!!!

The catwalk of shame

Hanging out with friends on the late night is most often a good time. Beating the sun home after these nights is usually a challenge. Which brings me to my topic. The ever dreaded walk of shame. 

The walk of shame is when you get home after the sun comes up. Most people are getting ready to head out for work, church and errands  but not you. You are the party animal or the late night booty call. You are walking into your buildings, houses and even your jobs in the same clothes you left in the night before. 

Everyone who saw you leave the night before kindly smile and say good morning. They make it seem like they won't talk about you later. You know they do and they will. They probably have you pegged as a floozy or manwhore if male. I say who cares. Hold your head high as you walk in, underwear tucked into your purse or back pocket. Who are they to judge? You had the time of your life. Everyone has their chance at the walk of shame. It's just a matter of bearing witness to the occassion. 

When's the last time you walked the catwalk of shame?

Who caught you? 

The incredible exploding breasts

I want to take a few minutes to talk about women with breast implants. I have nothing against them especially if they look natural but I do have something against exploding titties. I found out today that a woman in London had a breast explode while playing paint ball. This occurrence is concerning and alarming. What else can cause breast implants to explode? Aside from the regular warnings here are some things that I came up with:

Just like an aerosol can has a warning contents under pressure do not store in extreme heat. I started thinking that well what about implants? Are they made to with stand extreme heat all the time? I mean would a person with implants suffer from an explosion if they stay out in the sun for long periods of time? Could this be why people choose tanning beds instead?

Would a breast implant burst while the person is jumping rope? Let's think about this. The person is jumping up and down thus shaking the implant vigorously. Can you imagine an implant bursting like a water balloon? Splash.

Do you think a breast implant can with stand the force from a rollercoaster? All of that pressure from the G force pressing against the chest of a person with implants. Not only do I think it would burst the implant but it might just blow the whole titty up. This would be a tragic event. Man what about sky diving? Oh man...

So ladies and Gents I know people get implants for different reasons. Just hear me out. If you want to lead a full life of adventure and excitement please rethink this surgery. You might end up having to get reconstructive titty surgery. Imagine having to get skin graphed off your thigh to make your titty look normal because it exploded while you were living your life. Doesn't seem like a good look.

The lost art of Shrimping

When most people think of the term shrimping they think of people living on the Bayou out in shrimp boats. Today I am going to talk to you about the other kind of shrimping. The only boats required are the ones at the end of your legs. Still confused? Let me elaborate. In the sexual world shrimping is the act of toe sucking. I guess shrimping can be defined as a type of fetish but you do not need a foot fetish to shrimp.

Now some of you are really grossed out right now, I am sure of it. I am going to tell you do not knock it before you try it. The foot is very sensitive and can stimulate your loins to throb. Just like you can't have sex with just anyone, you cannot shrimp with just anyone. Please make sure the person doesn't have a fungus on their feet. Finding out you have athletes foot in your throat would not be too exciting. Shrimping someone with decent feet can be a great experience.

Unless you have a foot fetish the shrimper would not be aroused when shrimping. The reaction of your partner may get that arousal out of you anyway. Start by massaging your partner’s feet. You can use lotion but remember your mouth is going on there and a mouth full of lotion can taste nasty. As you pull your partners feet up you can rub them across your chest. As it approaches your mouth begin to lick lightly unless your partner is ticklish. If that’s the case you have to figure out another way. You can also begin to suck on the toes. It’s ok if you get sloppy with it.

When you are done shrimping since you already have the leg up either you can proceed to oral sex or just slide right in. You can also try shrimping during penetration their legs are up and their feet are there anyway. 
I know not everyone will agree shrimping is great but it does add a little twist to a drab sex life.

Have you been shrimping?
Did you like it?
Do you have any funny stories about it?
Have you been shrimped?

Prostitute's paying taxes in Germany

 While I was watching CNN this morning to get my daily dosage of depression from the media they reported about a machine on the streets of Bonn Germany. Well this is not your ordinary machine. A prostitute puts $8.70 into the machine so she can work for the day. This is supposed to cover her taxes for the day. The machine itself is not a fly by night machine. It is made by Siemens. It actually looks a little like a Munimeter. Those in NY and DC know what a Munimeter is.

The machine was not the best part of the story reported. They went on to saying that prostitution was legal in Germany. Something I didn't know. They also said that the government put up special stalls called conjugal stalls. They said it’s so they have areas to do their business. Seriously, like is prostitution that popular over there?

I guess since the thoughts about certain sex acts are so taboo here in the U.S. I couldn't help but to think ewww, a little wooden box for johns to get their rocks off. Wouldn't they be afraid to be seen leaving from there? I guess for the women workers it is optimal. They don't have to leave their area missing out on other possible financial opportunities.

I still have problems thinking about those little rooms that are in the back of the stores where you get adult movies and toys and motels. When I was traveling across the US I had to check into a motel because I couldn’t drive anymore. I didn't sleep very well thinking that maybe the people before me were putting DNA all over the bed and the sheets may not have been changed. I was on top of the blanket the whole time, while fully clothed, trying not to touch anything.

Can you imagine the fuckery that would go on if conjugal stalls would be implemented here in the United States? People who are not in the adult industry of street sex would be getting those daily tickets so they can have sex with their mates and not be arrested. Cop would come by, "Can I see your papers?" As dude is mid business and present the ticket. The cop would then nod and walk away. "Carry on, I'm next."

With all the free Vagina and Penis in the world I don't know why people pay for it. Is it just a fantasy? Sex with a stranger kind of deal? Or is it because someone people want certain fetishes taken care of that they are ashamed to verbally speak about with their mates? I guess I know why people do it.

I mean I want to ask my readers: Would you have sex with someone for money if it were legal?
Would you purchase sex? Hell, have you? Besides getting a nut and maybe crabs was there anything else you got from it?  Feel free to answer anonymously.

Ride or die

Earlier today I made a comment about riding penis, I said "Riding penis is like riding a bike; after not riding for a long time the first time you are a little shaky but before long you get that rhythm back. Someone told me that this subject better make it to my blog. So here is it. Ride or die. Fellas, how many girls during your courting process say "I can ride a mean penis." Then you figure out she is as stiff as a board and as exciting as watching a sponge.

                    

Here is where the Popcorn Popper comes in. Ladies, it’s time to ride or die. Some women are afraid of being on top. Why? Is it because he is looking up at you? Or because you are lazy and don’t want to have to do all the work? Fear no more. There are different ways to ride where you can be comfy and find the right groove. Just like giving head, you have to gauge what your guy likes by how hard and excited he is. Imagine that, being receptive to what your partner likes. If it was only about you this would be called B.O.B or die but it’s not.

There are different methods that one can try and don't think I’m giving away my personal secrets. No sire Bob. Riding is all in the hips, waist and thighs. You need to have motion. I think some of you ladies need a trip to the gentlemen's club. Not all women agree with this but dancers do work hard. Being sexy is not always easy. Well most of you Suzy's know because you are reading this. There are certain moves that exotics dancers do on the stage that can help you with your technique.

Another tool that women can use is porn. Pick up your jaws. Yes, I said ladies you need to watch porn. There are a lot of women out there that claim not to watch it but I’m here to tell you that you need to. Just to let you know not all women in the adult industry can ride a penis but you will know who got those oohhhh weee skills.

If you don't want him looking up at you lean into him, brush your lips up against his neck while you are finding your rhythm. If you are doing this don’t forget to be all the way down around the base and grind. Make sure it’s as good to him as it is to you. Once again I am not giving away my secrets but if any of you ladies need some pointers feel free to ask.

Ladies, remember what you won’t do another woman will. Gents, if your lady is lacking in this area find a nice way to tell her. You have to show her what feel goods to you. Sex without communication is just like doing it to yourself on a bad day. You know when you try 8 different things and none of them get your off so you just fall asleep instead.

Ladies, are you a ride or die chick?

Gents, is your woman a ride or die?

Where are my shoes?

First reader's let me apologize for not providing you with my awesomeness yesterday. I had a really bad headache when I got home last night. Last night I got the privilege of participating in something called lelay night. A friend of mine is from Ghana and it is the night of food, family and friends before the wedding.

For some people this would be a cultural shock as things are not traditionally what we would see here in America. All of the women wore their cultural African dress. While they all spoke English they chose to engage in conversation in their dialect, which if you ask me does make for an uncomfortable setting for those who don't know the language. I know they were talking about us, but I digress.

The shoes I decided to wear were very hot but they hurt like hell. So about 20 minutes in them I decided to go fetch the ugly flip flops my son left in the care. Sometimes you need to be about comfort. When I got back with the flip-flops on I decided to take them off and leave them by the door. Not only was it because they didn’t match my outfit but for me it was a sign of respect as they are Muslim.

As it got later in the night I decided it was time to go home and get my son ready for bed. After I bid my goodbyes, I go to the door to get my flip flops but they are nowhere to be found. I asked some of the ladies that were sitting by the door if they had seen my shoes. Basically I was hoping that they would form a small search party but they said oh check there pointing to a pile of shoes. Of course they were not there because that was the first place I had looked.

One lady actually tried looking while the others just sat in the way and probably talked about me. She then said go around and check everyone’s feet maybe someone put them on. I was thinking to myself, why the hell would someone be wearing shoes that do not belong to them? I went over to my friend who is African (not the bride), she is a gem, I told her my shoes were missing and the first thing out of her mouth was "Were they nice?" I told her no they were ugly men’s flip-flops and she gave me the: you shouldn't have left anything lying around look.

I had entertained the idea of walking to my car barefooted but how country is that? I decided to walk around looking at everyone’s feet. At this point I was looking crazy as hell. So I know they were really talking about me. Finally I went back by the door and some lady walked in wearing my damned flip-flops. I was upset. First of all, I don't know her. Second of all, how do you just put on some random shoe that you know is not yours? Third, she was all nonchalant about it. Like *in African accent* "I am so sorry, my shoes were hurting. I didn't know these were yours." C'mon SON!!

The moral of the story kids, don’t leave your shit around people you don't know. Not even your flip flops are safe. I need to go soak my feet in bleach.

The Popcorn Popper on Relationships

I have come to the conclusion in my quest to find the perfect someone for me that there is no one person who is perfect.

A relationship is like buying a car. Every vehicle out there in the automotive industry has its flaws. Some people buy a car for the audio system knowing that the windows don't always work but they are OK with that. They know that there is no way to change design flaws but they love their car unconditionally anyway.

Relationships are the same way. When deciding to deal with someone in a relationship you are making the decision to accept the person flaws and all. You cannot change a person. They have to be the ones to make a choice to change and know it will not come over night. There are the few who say they will change but really don't want to. These people are just saying that to get off your back. Showing is proving. Talking about doing something until you are blue in the face is only wasting good clean air.

The above mentioned are personality flaws. I just want to briefly hit on physical flaws. If a person is ugly in your eyes (we all know beauty is in the eyes of the beholder). No matter how much you dress them up. No matter how much they lose weight or gain nice big muscles. You will always think they are ugly. If you dress up a dog it is still a dog. It is true a person could be ugly but have a heart of gold but how far can you take that? Do you take ol pug face to the alter? Knowing you have to wake up to them for the rest of your life?

I guess I am saying do not lower your standards of what you will like just so you are not lonely. Compromising certain things does not necessarily mean lowering your standards. So when getting to know someone, take a step back and ask yourself this; Are the flaws that the person possesses those flaws that I know I can deal with in the long run? If not then reconsider wasting every ones time. You can save yourself and another person possibly a lot of heart ache.

Hopefully I made sense to some... What do you guys think?

Dealing with Dummies

Dumb people are all around us. They span over every race, color and creed. There is no age limit or nor does it depend on religion. The terrible thing about dealing with dummies is that they are everywhere. They are in your house, at your job, in your church, at the stores, in schools etc. These people can even be in YOUR HOUSE. Hell, it could very well be you.

I must say today must have been a day where dumb people decided to unite and have a revolution because boy were they out today! Or maybe we are just in an age of idiocracy. I bet you can count on 2 hands or more, the amount of dumb people you have encountered in your life. How many dummies have you dealt with today?

There are days where my patience is extremely thin and I cannot escape this epidemic. We all have our Dumbass moments at one time or another, like falling off the sidewalk. Dumb people are usually dumb because they lack common sense. There was a time in my life that I thought common sense could be learned. I am not officially convinced that the has to be some type of genetic coding that determines the amount of common sense a person is born with.

This brings me to a solution for dealing with dummies. I think we all need to walk around with socks full of stress balls and baby powder. This is really not an original idea. I think the character Homey the Clown from in loving color had the right idea. I do know that public humiliation is not really a good way to set an example but honestly some people need some sense knocked into them.

Can you imagine yourself walking into a meeting with a group of people and having everyone coming out full of baby powder because at one time or another during the meeting they lacked common sense? To some people this would be unprofessional but in my opinion it will make a person think twice about saying or doing something stupid to spare themselves the embarrassment. It would be like wearing the letter A during puritanical times.

With that being said how do you deal with the dummies in your life? What are some of the dumb things you have had to endure?


I leave you with a clip of Homey the clown a character from In Living Color a show that has been off the air for a while.

**Disclaimer** While I do think it’s funny to smack sense into people who lack intelligence in hopes that they would get some sense. I am not telling you to go out there and do it. If you get yourself arrested please do not call or blame me. I will not bail you out and if you try to sue. Well, I have a disclaimer. Also I do not share the ideals of the video link. It is just to prove a point.

Reinventing the Condom

Today on Face book someone I knew started a post about condoms. The original post was about the store running out of condoms but immediately it turned into an all out marketing idea. Now everyone who has read my previous blog entries knows that I’m not playing with a full deck. So you can only imagine some of our ideas.

At first we joked about things that could be used in lieu of condoms. Of course the first thing that was stated was saran wrap. My interjection was latex gloves and latex balloons. I mean most condoms are made of latex right? From there it went to garbage bags and ponchos. The idea of scotch tape was turned down. I guess taking it off might hurt a little.

This conversation then went into flavored condoms. We began talking about different hood flavors we could make. Among those flavors we got sex on the beach, Onion and Garlic, Funyons, Cinnamon toast crunch, and Henny black. There were more flavors that were mentioned. Then in my jaded head I came up with this: "Imagine seeing guys walking down the street chewing on Hennessey flavored condoms like they were gum". There would be a lot of pause no homo’s as they offered one to their friends.

After this the conversation took a turn for the worst when someone came up with an even better idea. Note pad condoms, a note written on the condom for the girl or guy to read as she performs oral sex or puts the condom on. I really don't want to give away all of our ideas but some of them include but are not limited to:

"If you are drunk you can’t see this message"
"I know I’m too small for this condom I was hoping you didn’t notice"
"My dick is not small your vagina is big.."
 ‎"Surprise, I’m not your man I’m his twin
‎"delivery in 30 minutes or less or you get your money back"
"Don’t think of it as 2 mins think of it as 200 really fast pumps.:-)"
"Glow in the dark version "If you looked better you would be able to read this condom with the lights on"

There were many more and the list is still growing. I mean with the weather being bad and all this is good "clean" fun. I can only imagine if someone actually wore one of these. Some of the insulting condoms would ruin relationships and marriages. Some people would think they were funny but those are the dimwits. You know the type they take 10 minutes to figure out they were the brunt of the joke. I mean by then the other person would be done. For the witty notes it may make for a good conversation over drinks with friends at a later date.

What are some flavors or ideas for note condoms can you think of?

*disclaimer* using anything other than a condom to engage in random sex will not protect you from pregnancy or STD's.

Hurricane Hurricane Turn around

Everyone in the world should know by now that Hurricane Irene is headed towards the northeast. It's all they talk about on the news and local channels. There are a lot of areas that are in mandatory evacuation. Mass transit is being shut down early tomorrow. This is a really serious occurrence. Let's think about it, the MTA who is always starving for money is shutting down!

I hear a lot of people saying they are not leaving their house for evacuation measures. I am guessing these fools must have forgotten about Hurricane Katrina. Fools were standing on houses and swimming by in bath tubs because they didn't want to evacuate. I'd rather be safe than sorry. If I lived in one of these areas or an area that prone to flooding during regular storms, you better believe I would have been out of here.

I really hope the hurricane turns around into the atlantic and doesnt affect us as bad. If not fortunately for me, I live a little inland and on a hill so the River would have to turn into a monsoon for me to be affected. With that being said we are getting ready to stay indoors and hug each other scared to death if this storm is as bad as they say. I think we have everything we need to survive.

Here is my list:

Batteries
Flashlight
First aid stuff
Water
Baby wipes
B.O.B.
Juice
Nutra grain and granola bars
Crackers
Apples
Dry cereal
Fruit snacks
Apple sauce
Peanut butter and jelly
Bread


I know people are wondering why I don’t have canned goods on my list but I have them what good is a can of tomato sauce going to do for me if I don't have electricity to make tomato soup? Cold corned beef reminds me of dog food. Let's not talk about Vienna sausages. I think I just threw up in my mouth. So I have prepared with stuff I know I will eat.

The only thing that I don't have that I wished I did was a boo thing (companion). You say who would think about sex in a time like this? *raises hand* Why not get your rocks off? Plus if there is an emergency I need to use someone as a shield. Wait men aren't accessories? Let me stop, I know that is not nice.

So the day before the storm is supposed to arrive (today). I decided I am making a really big unhealthy meal. You don’t know if we will have power, water and gas. So I figured we can get nice and happy tonight. I made barbeque chicken wings, Collard greens with smoked turkey wings and Jazzed up Kraft macaroni and cheese. I have to make a beer run too. This way if we have to eat like 1st graders at lunch for the next 3 days we can remember out last good meal.

Anyway, I hope everyone in the path of the hurricane stays safe from harm. Please take heed to the precautions given by the news and authorities.

The mystery of the Queefs

There are many elements of sex that are awesome but queefing has to be one of the most embarrassing things that can happen to a woman next to passing gas. I had someone ask what queefing was. A queef is a vaginal fart. There is really no nicer way to put it. This happens air gets caught in the vaginal canal during sex then comes out making a pffftt sound.

Yes it really sounds like your vagina is farting. The only difference between a queef and a fart is the queef doesn't smell like yesterdays chili and corn. One would hope not anyway. Ladies, if your queef smells rotten then you have bigger fish to fry. Go see your GYN, ASAP.

There are a few men that I have spoken to about the topics of queefs and there seems to be mixed opinions on the subject. Some men are absolutely appalled and it is an automatic mood killer. You would get the, what did you just do face and as they accuse you of passing gas as their little soldier goes into retreat mode. That's because they don't know what just happened or the cause of it. At that point even if the session continues after a queef the rest is really awkward especially if you are laughing.

The men that don't mind the queefs will look at your with pride and give you a grin. These are the guys that will make funny jokes like of she's talking to me. Meanwhile they will try to make it happen again. I don't think I know very many women who admittedly said they love it when they queef. I am sure that there are some out there.

I have now educated you guys on the pffttt..
Do you have any queefing stories?
Ladies, do you queef?

The endless ass wipe

So from time to time I shift away from sex talk to bring you life talk. Today I want to talk about the endless ass wipe. For those who don't know; the endless ass wipe is when you wipe your ass for 10 minutes and it seems like your ass is never going to get clean.

I know its gross but wiping your ass is a part of life. Who wants to walk around with skid marks and an itchy anus? Not I and that is for sure. The endless ass wipe is never fun and in some situations can get you into a bit of a predicament. Here are some situations where the endless ass wipe can really suck.

Ever finish your business and go to wipe and the tissue is low? When there is like 2 go rounds of the hand left on the roll. There is no other tissue around. Then you find out you are a victim of the endless ass wipe. This is where public restrooms suck. The gas station doesn't have a bidet. So therefore someone is in a shitty situation. So please always check the toilet paper levels before you do the dew.

Ever use half of the roll on an endless ass wipe? This is scary because depending on the persons or your commode, you may have clogged it. The worst situation is when you break the commode and then find no plunger. Having to leave the restroom to tell who ever owns the place can be quite embarrassing especially if it is someone you like.  How do you even start that conversation? "Hey Jenny, I know we've only dated for a week but I broke your facilities." Don't expect Jenny to call you after that unless she has previously broke your commode and blamed it on someone else.

I know a lot of people use baby wipes. To me baby wipes are good to wipe but then your ass stays wet. If you use tissue after the wipes then your get paper dingle berries in your ass. How cute it that? Anyway, where do these baby wipes go? Do you throw them in the trash? I know they clog the toilet so people can't be flushing them. Can you imagine a few days worth of shit filled wipes in the trash. That house must stink like crap. *yuck face*

In my opinion the best thing to do after an endless ass wipe is to take a good long shower. Please use a wash cloth and soap. Putting your hands in your bottom after an endless ass wipe is not a good idea. Not that I have experienced this first hand but it just doesn’t seem kosher.

Until next time folks keep your hands clean and your asses out of trouble.

Black widow daters

The title basically speaks for itself. Just give me a minute to explain this one then if you don't like what I had to say then you can talk shit.

There are people in the world that are like the black widows of the dating world. A black widow dater is almost the exact same as the black widow spider. Everything is going great until they mate then they bite the heads off of their mate thus killing them. Well the black widow dater will have a great time with the potential victim then after sex they will begin to slowly kill that person. Not in the physical aspect but they would begin to treat the other person like trash. They may even put the other person in sex only (jumpoff) status although everything leading up to the sex never indicated that it would be just sex.

The black widow dater can be detrimental to a friendship. Friends don't have sex. Sex ruins friendships. I know there are a lot of you out there that believe in friends with benefits. Hey, if that's what you like it’s on you. I know what it does to real friendships and it isn't pretty. This is why I came to the conclusion that some friendships trump sex.

For example :( I will not say the opposite sex either because I have seen same sex friend’s ruined as well.) You guys know that there is chemistry there. You go out and have a great time. You have sex. You find out the person or maybe you are emotionally unavailable. The next time you see this person at friend X's house the encounter will uber AWKWARD!

There are some people in this world that mean more to me than a wild 30-45 minutes of hot animalistic sex. 
I was kind of a black widow dater at one point. I wasn't aware that I was a black widow dater because men never bothered to say anything. They would deal with me and take the abuse. A good friend of mine made a joke one day that opened my eyes. I think it’s because I highly mistreated a member of her family that I was dealing with for a good period of time. She made A LOT of jokes about how I treated him and like a sick puppy he followed me around anyway.

I can't say if I am still a black widow dater but I try to be weary of my actions. So if I ever treated you like trash after an encounter my apologies. Humans are creatures of habit. You don't know you have a problem until someone points it out sometimes. By the way please stop acting like little bitches and your feelings won't get hurt. What? I am a work in progress.

Do you know Black widow daters? Are you one? Have you encountered one? How do you handle them?

Shaky Shakey we had a quakey.

While the whole east coast was in mass hysteria thinking the world was coming to an end because we had a tremor. I was thinking my place was about to collapse because it is old as hell. The thought of an Earthquake was a totally secondary thought. I have PANEL walls for God's sake. I thought I was going nuts when I asked my landlord if he felt the house shake and he gave me that are you on drugs look. Maybe they thought my kids were home jumping around acting a fool and thought nothing of the house shaking.

I turned to Fox News to see what was going on. For some reason I couldn't find CNN but I digress. They were pretty cool about it. Once they figured out that no structures were damaged and everything was good to go the reporter said "So we had a little shake Japan and California are laughing at us right now. Everyone can relax now." This was the same thing I was thinking. Having had lived in California for a few years I have experienced an earthquake before. This could be why my attitude was so nonchalant.

I do want to say that people get extremely stupid during disasters. People were saying "Oh my Gosh my cell phone isn't working." I mean did it occur to anyone that all the networks would be jammed because everyone was trying to call at once? 4G doesn’t stand for 4GOD network. They don't perform telephone miracles. These networks are not prepared for extreme amounts of traffic. Hmm... LIGHTBULB! Maybe someone should work on that. Create a phone network that never crashes. I would have thought Apple would have an app for that but they don't.

Another great idea is that Apple should be making an app to warn people if an earthquake is coming. It can be called iQuake. When there is plate movement it can send an alert to the phone thus warning the owner of a possible quake. I know someone will steal my idea but such is life. I think it’s funny. Imagine someone having sex while having the iQuake app. Phone would be like WOMP WOMP WOMP earthquake. WOMP WOMP WOMP. Then a guy could use a cheesy line like look baby today is the day you made the earth move.

While I am making light of this I do take things seriously. Sometimes. *looks for lightening*

Pussy in a glass no more.; the power of no

The definition of pussy in a glass is simple and there isn’t a nice way to put it. Pussy/Dick in a glass is the fall back sex person that you call when all else fails. Usually that person is your go to person because they are reliable.

So last night the popcorn popper was almost a victim of drunken dialing and becoming pussy in a glass. While I knew based on the time and the person it couldn't have been for anything other than a booty call. I still felt compelled to answer. So I did. And you guessed it, the person wanted to come over. Well I am glad to report that I did kindly say no thank you.

Most of you may be thinking that the Popcorn Popper has lost her ever loving mind, especially since my sex life is as exciting as calling Bingo numbers in an old folk’s home for deaf people. Here is the thing though I would rather be with B.O.B than to be consumed in the amount of drama that this person brings to the table. I am not saying that saying no was easy. Lord knows I was so tempted but the past kept flashing in front of me. Since I know that history tends to repeat itself I have to say that this time I was on the winning end.

Or was I? All night I had vivid dreams of wild adventures. My damned loins were throbbing for hours. So in the AM I decided that maybe that offer wouldn't be so bad. I contemplated accepting the offer for a later date. I didn't make the call though. The one thing I know about the drunken late night call is this, if they don't offer when they are sober maybe you weren't their first call while they were drunk or worse maybe you are only attractive to them when they are wearing their beer goggles.

Later on in the day when I had to interact with this person they acted as if the offer had never been presented. Could it have been pride? I mean since I did say no. Or could it just be that some people never change and I will always be that pussy in a glass for said person? I go with the latter. That is why I am glad that I learned the power of NO.  While some people never change I am glad that I had the power to do so. It isn't easy being so damned good but man I am GOOD.


When was the last time you were or contacted your dick/pussy in a glass? Have you been a victim of late night calling? How did you handle it?

The fundamentals of face

Ok folks so here it is as promised, The Fundamentals of face. I know that the men enjoyed knowing that I put the fundamentals of head out there for those ladies who think they are head doctors when they really are head cases. Now it is time for me to school you men by giving you insight and tips on your face time game. Not to be confused with any apple products I am talking licking vagina.

Just as communication is important for giving head it goes the same for giving face. While it is easier for a female to fake her moans than it is for a guy to fake a woody guys please communicate. Every woman likes different things. There are some women who do not appreciate direct clitoral contact. It is a sensitive spot and it can get uncomfortable really fast. Ask her where she likes it done, on it or just to the right or left of it. Depending on how well your partner knows her vagina she will be able to get you dead on so you are not licking for 3 hours and nothing.

Listen to her body. If she is too busy moaning to use her words then you need to use her body as a guide. If she pushes your head closer that is a good sign. While shaking can be an indication that you are doing something good it can double as a no go. You may be hitting a sensitive spot too much and she will eventually stop you or worse. She may start laughing uncontrollably.

Give her the middle finger. No, I do not mean shoot her the bird. Put your middle finger in her vagina palm facing up and proceed with the come hither motion. If you feel something spongy inside good you are hitting the right spot. Now I am warning you. This is the G spot. Some women will make it rain on your face if she has a vaginal orgasm. This can occur with enough stimulation to the Gspot. So if you know your woman is a soaker wear some water goggles.

Women are not cats. While we do enjoy the simple lick, please change it up. Write your name with your tongue, spell out the alphabet, make the number 8 and apply slow pressure as you do it. While this gives her pressure you changing your motions will help you find which one she likes the best. So if she is an O girl then O her till she OOOOOO's.

The last tip I am going to leave you with is this just like your balls like attention so do ours. Rub her breast a little while you are spelling out your favorite beer. Kiss on her lips, not the ones on her face but her vaginal lips. Give her a little tease.

Just like my head blog I do have more tricks but why give them all away. You guys have to learn certain things on your own. Your women will thank you if you have provided a job well done. You guys just hope she isn't a one nut wonder. The one nut wonders are people who get their orgasms and turn over and go right to sleep.

*disclaimer* I am not responsible for any stalkers you may obtain by following my tips. Also if she squirts in your eye I did warn about the goggles.

The fundamentals of head

Well ladies and gentlemen welcome to another addition of popcorn and pillows. I am your resident blogger the Popcorn Popper. Today I want to talk to you about the fundamentals of head. Don't worry ladies the next edition will be the fundamentals of face. The guys need to be educated as much as we do.

The main thing about giving your partner decent head is communication. You need to know what your partner likes. Different guys like different things. It’s ok to ask a guy if he likes something. Ask him for suggestions and do not get mad when you find out you were not the head doctor you thought you were.

The next thing is no scrapping, not all men like it when you use teeth. Now ladies not all penises are the same size so you need to figure out how much space you have and what position is the best when giving your man head. For example, if you man is rather thick then giving him head while you lay sideways may not be a great idea. Give him head straight on and make sure you curl your lips slightly in so that the lip protects the penis from the teeth. I’m not saying make granny lips. You know the ones that are sunken in, but a little lip tuck goes a long way.

Another thing please pay attention to your man. While asking helps he will talk without words. If you do something and the penis gets soft then don’t do that again. Common sense, well you would think. If you are doing something and his toes are curling don't stop unless he asks you to. The worst thing in the world is for something to be feeling good and the person changes it up.

Next on my list is moisture. I don’t know many guys who like their dick to feel like it is being scrapped with sand paper. Make sure your mouth is fairly moist. Not all men like slobbers but all men like to feel moisture. So if your mouth is dry, get a drink of water or chew some gum. Please use some common sense. If you are chewing gum and giving head make sure you don't chew on the penis. Or worse, get the gum stuck in his pubes. Hopefully he has sense enough to have all that trimmed and groomed for you.

The last thing I am going to tell you is don’t forget the balls. Lick them, suck them, and hold them. They have feelings too. Guys love their balls fondled while you have a mouth full of their penis. It adds that extra pleasure.

There are a lot of great things that I did not cover. I will not give away my secrets. So I am just giving the basics. I can't guarantee that you will start giving porn star head if you follow these tips but I do know this will get you on your way to it.


What are some of the fundamentals you think I left out? Any questions?

The desk workout

Forget the Kanye work out I’m on that desk workout. I sit at my desk for almost 7 hours a day. After a few hours I feel my body stiffening up, not in a good way. Getting a good workout in can be hard if you have a hectic schedule. So every now and then I get on my desk workout.

For those of you idiots out there that think I mean doing jumping jacks and pushups that is not what I am talking about. There are times I walk a few laps around the office. Make it seem like I forgot something at my desk on my way to speak to someone. Even though it is a small amount of walking every little bit helps. I also use the steps instead of the elevator most times. Does it help? Let's ask my sexy calves?

Today I decided to engage in sun gods (arm circles), sitting individual leg lifts and waist twists. It woke me up and I feel good now. While people will shoot you funny looks if they see you doing this don't be scared to get your blood flowing. Everyone likes a little eye candy. I am not saying by doing this everyone will find you irresistible and you will melt away the fat. If you get active a little at a time before you know it you will get nice and shapely without realizing.


Disclaimer: Eating healthy and working out for 30 minutes a day is always recommended by experts. I am not an expert. Also I don't hate fat people. I just hate looking at my own jelly rolls so why would I want to look at yours? I am not the picture of health. I AM HUMAN.

What are some other ways other than the gym and sex that you workout?