Thursday, February 23, 2012

FTP!!!

There comes a time or two in our lives when we need to adapt the phrase FTP. This term came from my dear and ever loving cousin whom I love very much. The first time I saw FTP I thought it was flower shop talk. Yo cuz FTP! I was thinking he wanted me to order flowers from FTD and misspelled it. Little did I know it would be a life changing phrase.

FTP stands for Fuck Those Putos! FTP can be used in many situations. I will give you a few examples of where it can be applied to your life.

Your boyfriend dumps you or cheats? FTP!!!!!FTP!!!
Your homegirls stood you up on the weekend? FTP FTP!!!
You get passed up for a promotion? FTP FTP!!!
Someone is getting on your nerves? FTP!!!!
Someone steals your cab? FTP!!
Some hussie is hating on you? FTP!!!
Baby momma/ daddy drama? FTP!!!!


See there are many other ways FTP can be applied. Its more than a phrase it is a way of life. Why care what people think about you? FTP!!!!

Domestic violence.... take a stand

Today I want to take the time out to speak about the seriousness of domestic violence. I am not going to give you any statistics. I am going to hit you with cold hard realities. Domestic violence is something that affects everyone at one time or another. You do not need to be a victim to be affected. Or the person committing the violent act. Sometimes as people we know someone going through a situation.

Honestly domestic violence is a difficult situation to be in or know about. It doesn't matter whether you are the victim or loved one of a victim. How do you console someone with a black eye? How do you face your family with a black eye? How do you deal with someone who constantly goes back because "I love Him or Her"? Don't look at me for the answers because I do not have them.

Everyone always says that a person that stays in a bad situation has low self esteem. What is that is not the case? What if the person is scared for their lives?  People who stay in situations of domestic violence most often believe the person when they say they have changed or they will change. It's not because the abusee has low self worth. Sometimes you want to feel like the time you spent in the relationship wasn't a total waste.You want to feel like the person you love so much is able and capable to change to be with you. Unfortunately change hardly ever comes.

Abusive relationships are not limited to physical abuse. I want you to be able to recognize the mental and verbal abuse as well.  It is important for men and women to know when its time to say Fuck this and leave an abusive relationship. You have to build the strength within yourself and dig deep into your soul. Hopefully the realization doesn't come when it is too late.

Friends and relatives of victims.... Hear this please... Beating the abusers ass will not stop them from beating the abusee. The person being abused might go back after you have caught a case and you will have no one to blame but yourself. I know it is hard to pick up the broken pieces of your friends and relatives but try to counsel them. Through the but he/she loves me speech try not to hit your friend or relative because then you would be doing the same thing as the other person. Try to stick it out by your friends/ relatives side as long as you can and hopefully by your counseling they will see the light.

Domestic Violence is not a funny situation. I know because I have been there but I had to become strong and I had to look within myself for the strength to get up and leave. Till this day I am confident that I made the right decision and I do not regret it at all.

Friday, February 10, 2012

The worst condom ever made...

My pop-pees today I want to speak about the worst condom ever invented. I know some of you are thinking I am going to talk about the tiny Lifestyle condoms... but I am not because for little penis men those are the best things since sliced bread. The condoms that are on the top of my worst condom of all time list is..... Trojan Fire and Ice condoms.

I always promote safe sex because for some of you lord help you if you reproduce and for others well GYN's and MD's are tired of looking at blistering groins. I don't promote things I do not believe in.  Safe sex is important. With the right condom everything is great. Unfortunately Trojan fire and Ice is not one of them.

I thought the concept was cool. It warms and cools. This was not well thought out!! Holy hell I thought someone put icy hot on my vagina. It was not a good look! Now I know what gonorrhea victims experience (without the smell and oozing). I feel bad for them. I promise I wont clap my hands every time I see you anymore.. (you know cause they got the clap) Nah I am lying. Some of you guys need a standing ovation.

Anyway back to my poor vagina. The other day we joked on facebook about Jalapeno pussy. Having something hot yet cold in your vag is not fun. I now know that thanks to these stupid ass condoms. I thought about having my vagina write them a strongly worded letter.

Dear Trojan brand condoms,

I hope the creator of Fire and Ice condoms gets herpes and not the kind that can be healed with Valtrex. These are the absolute worst condoms ever invented. May your genitals burn, disintegrate and fall off.

Signed,
Disgruntled Pussy

P.S Bareskin condoms are the best thing ever!! That person can get a promotion unless its the one who made the fire and ice.


Any way readers what are some of the worst condoms you have ever used and why? 

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

That's what she said!

Thanks to our friend's from the sitcom "The Office" the phrase "that's what he said" was born. These 4 little words can turn the most innocent conversation into something that can be heard in the gutter. Let me take you on this brief trip to guttersville.

The other day I went to lunch with some guys I know. We had some burritos and one guy put extra hot sauce on his. Well we were returning from the restuarant and he made a comment about his lip piecing. It was as follows "damn I had too much spice. my hole burns." and you guessed swooped in with "That's what she said."

I tell you my timing was impecible. It was the funniest thing ever! There are other situations where it can be used.

"Damn, I got wet" reply- that's what she said
"This is a tight spot" reply - that's what she said
"I told you it doesn't fit" reply- that's what she said
"Can you stop" reply - that's what she said

And so on and so on.

Do you have any "That's what she said" moments?